Being Lonely
Adult life can sometimes leave you feeling isolated. Here's what to do about it.
Once or twice a year, I do a little tour with my podcast Top Flight Time Machine. I’ve been doing the podcast pretty much every day for the past seven years with my friend and pod-partner Andy Dawson. We have a modest but highly enthusiastic audience of subscribers, and occasionally, we like to perform live shows in various parts of the country for them. It’s a laugh; we get to meet some of the listeners, and it earns us a few extra quid. So, overall, it’s a positive experience.
The only downside for me is being away from home. I fucking love being at home. I love my house, my stuff, my bed, my dog and my cat. Most of all, I like being around my wife and kids because they are a good laugh. When I was a kid, I used to get badly homesick and, to be honest, I still get that now. I don't like spending one night away from home, let alone several. Doing the live shows is fun while you’re on stage doing them but the bits in between - the travel, the hotel rooms, the solitary breakfasts and time killing wandering around unfamiliar streets - can sometimes feel boring and lonely.
While I am better at spending time in my own company than I once was, several days of solitude can still take their toll on me. Loneliness quickly mutates to misery and, before long, I want to go home.
When I was a kid, I used to spend vast amounts of time alone. My mum was always at work. My brothers were only a sporadic presence. When I got in from school, the house was empty and quiet. I would sit about for hours waiting for someone, anyone, to come home and keep me company. Summer holidays were a nightmare: the long periods in a desolate house, imagining all the other kids my age having bright, sunny, wholesome holiday fun while I ate lukewarm beans on toast and watched The Sullivans.
Being alone can get grim quickly. I have a residual fear of it from childhood, which is why I am so quick to feel miserable when I am away on tour.
This is Mental Health Awareness Week, which, despite the fact that I spend so much time writing, talking and thinking about mental health, feels like a weird and confusing concept to me. Having a single week dedicated to raising awareness of mental health is like having a special week where we remind each other of the importance of breathing oxygen. Mental health is something we all have. It fluctuates, but we all just have to live with it.
That said, it is beneficial to be aware of the various factors that can influence our mental health. And loneliness is a massive one. Human connection with people who understand you, are willing to listen to you, with whom you can relate, and who can sometimes make you laugh, is the most powerful of all mental health remedies.
You don't necessarily need a gigantic group of soulmates. You don’t need to be in with the cool kids. You don’t even need a little squad you hang out with every single day. But spending time with other human beings you can talk to and have fun with once in a while is significant. Unfortunately, a great number of adults fall into loneliness because work, money, and other tedious adult concerns consume our lives. Spending time with friends and having a bit of fun can easily take a back seat. Before you know it, you’ve lost touch with the people you used to count as mates, and you’ve forgotten how to make any new ones.
What got me through the time away from home the other week was making sure I reached out to old pals while I was away. I had dinner with an old schoolmate who now lives in Manchester, and it was great. I had drinks with a former work colleague the following night. It brightened my mood no end.
I work with the brilliant charity CALM (The Campaign against Living Miserably), which has done loads to combat the epidemic of adult loneliness, because they know what a huge factor it is in mental illness. They have a wealth of resources on their website that may help you if you ever feel socially isolated. If you do, you are not alone - over half of adults in the UK have experienced loneliness at some point. It’s not because there’s anything wrong with you - it’s because modern life is flawed and warped, and all too often forces you to concentrate all your efforts on economic survival and relentless work rather than maintaining relationships.
We all experience loneliness, and it's a difficult feeling. So reach out to an old mate today. And take a look at CALM’s website if you want some help in dealing with the shitty feeling of being alone.
Have a great weekend.
Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times
https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123
@calm 0800 58 58 58
@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138
@ChairtySane 0300 304 7000
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
I’m the complete opposite to you. I love being alone. I feel safe there, like no one can destroy me. I have a terrible fear of being seen, in case the connection I make does me more harm than good. Am I making sense? It’s a different kind of lonely to yours, but as much of a problem for slightly different reasons. Loneliness is actively painful. I think people who aren’t too familiar with it are too quick to equate it with boredom. But loneliness can kill you, whereas boredom is easy to solve.
"Human connection with people who understand you, are willing to listen to you, with whom you can relate, and who can sometimes make you laugh"
This resonates
I live in rural Wales, with all my 'mates' elsewhere - the ones who "understand you, are willing to listen to you, with whom you can relate"
I play local cricket and just joined a darts team - but there's none of my people. It's fine and all - and you can stay busy, but it does get lonely at times.
On the back of this, going to organise a mate coming to stay