How To Be Sanely Insane

Why I've never felt so good about feeling miserable

I don’t mean to sound like a miserable bastard but, I have to admit, I’ve been a right miserable bastard recently. But that’s okay. In fact, it feels like real progress.

Sometimes you can just have a little run of feeling down in the dumps for no apparent reason at all. My dad told me when I was younger that this was simply a ‘hormonal matter’ that needed to be waited out. There is some truth in that, I guess.

But sometimes you genuinely have a streak of bad luck. Sometimes you experience an accumulation of very real, perfectly tangible problems all at once and it leaves you feeling legitimately miserable.

I won’t bore you with all of the details but, in summary, they involved my wife having to go into hospital for a while (nothing serious), a really bad back, an unexpected financial blow, a recent tooth removal that has left my mouth in significant pain and a really fucking bad sore throat which landed me in bed for most of last week.

Boo-hoo. Poor me. Isn’t my life hard? Well, yes and no. On the one hand, all of the little inconveniences listed above are genuine sources of stress and the accumulation of them all is a pain in the arse (as well as the back, mouth and throat). Okay, I haven’t got cancer. But so what? The bar doesn’t have to be set that high, does it? Problems are problems even when they’re not life threatening.

But on the other hand, it is natural to have problems. It is unlucky for them all to come at once, yes, but that shit happens to all of us from time to time.

I am warming to the idea that mild-suffering is our natural state. I find the idea quite comforting. In the past, when I was constantly trying to swim against the tide of melancholy, I found it hard to accept shitty times.

But at the moment I don’t feel anxious or depressed. I am not speculating about worse case scenarios. I am not reading deep, dark things into the bad luck that has recently beset me. I just feel a bit miserable. But feeling a bit miserable is normal. I feel quite good about feeling miserable, to be honest.

The writer and philosopher Alain De Botton calls this a state of ‘sane insanity’; a grasp of our own imperfections and an acceptance of life’s natural frustrations. When faced by problems, the sanely insane don’t get angry, bitter or resentful. They don’t feel as if they have been singled-out by a vindictive universe. They realise that this sort of stuff is as much a part of the human experience as breathing air. They accept the pain and recognise their own torment. As the American bumper stickers put it: shit happens.

For years I suffered from the delusion that a perfect, problem-free life was possible. We live in a world that aggressively promotes the idea that an ideal life, defined by non-stop success, buoyancy and LOLs - actually exists. We see signs every day, on our phones, on our TV sets, plastered all over the side of buses - that other people are actually living these sort of lives. And so when we are suffering we feel doubly bad because it’s like we’re the only ones. That everyone else is at a fantastic party while we are stuck at home cleaning out the U-bend of the toilet. Why are we having such a shitty time? Maybe because we are weak or stupid or cursed! These thoughts can make us feel ashamed. We deny our problems to ourselves and others. The problems seem bigger, we feel even more isolated and so the whole shit-show goes on and on.

When times are tough try to remember the following:

1. Of course times are tough. That’s life. Good times are the exception, bad times are the rule. Don’t read anything into it beyond the fact that you are human and this is all part of the experience.

2. Of course you feel miserable about the problems you’re facing. Who wouldn’t? Feeling sad about sad things is not a sign of weakness or insanity. It is just a normal response to shit things happening. Accept it and embrace it. Your situation might still be shit but acknowledging it as such will help you deal with it better.

3. Everyone feels the same as you. We might live in a society that discourages people from sharing stuff about how shit they feel. But they do. Not always, but a great deal of the time. You are not alone in this. You are not weak for feeling this way. It is totes normal.

4. Tell people about how you feel. Hiding it makes it worse for you. And sharing it will help others who are suffering in the same way. Pass this shit on.

So that’s it. I’ve had a bit of a whinge about the transient problems that are currently drifting through my life. I am as shocked and surprised as anyone to have reacted to them in the way I have: not with panic or rage but with a reasonably appropriate level of sadness and annoyance. Rather than see my life as a corny movie, and this little period as the tragic final act, I am finally able to realise that this is all just a journey. I am watching my problems float past me like empty cans of Tenants on the canal. They’ll be gone soon. Then I can look up at the sky, smell the tress, have a snack and enjoy life’s little pleasures for a bit. Until the next set come along.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/