How to ditch a dickhead

Forgiveness is important. But boundaries are essential.

There is a Buddhist saying that goes: “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

It’s such beautiful guidance; so powerful in its simplicity.

That said, sometimes in life you just really need to call a cunt a cunt.

I mean, I have worked hard to be a better, more forgiving and understanding person over the past few years. I am happier and more at peace with myself when I manage to ignore the flaws and foibles of other people and silently float above unkind words or unfair actions.

But if you really want to stay sane you also need to learn how, when and where to draw the line with toxic people.

I had to do it recently with a bloke I’ve known for years. We’ve never been very close. Let’s call him a friend of a friend. The sort of person you tolerate as a courtesy to others.

I was in his company on holiday. He began to offer me unsolicited opinions on my sobriety. I felt it was snide and niggly. I was hurt. Maybe I am too sensitive. But my sobriety is important to me. I don’t need other people to agree with my choices; I don’t even need them take my problems seriously. I don’t want sympathy - but I don’t want crafty digs or condescending advice that I didn’t ask for, either.

We, particularly the English, are raised to put up and shut up with other people’s bullshit in the name of good manners. But sometimes good manners are an excuse to hide behind when you don’t have the bollocks to call people out on their behaviour. If someone is fucking with you, you really do have to tell them to stop. Or they will carry on without consequence - making you and everyone else around them miserable. This bloke had been doing it to me - and other people I care about - for years. The jibes about my sobriety were the straw that broke the camel’s back.

So I called him out on it. Passive aggressive people never expect a confrontation - but sometimes you need to give it to them. They squirm under the glare of unexpected scrutiny. I found the confrontation very cathartic. Calling a cunt a cunt is spiritually cleansing. That powerful feeling of not letting shit slide is incredible. You tell someone they are being out of order - that they are hurtful and unkind and that you’re not going to take it any more - and all the bitterness and resentment that you might otherwise have carried around inside your stomach for years is gone. You are free: both of those feelings and the dickhead that tried to put them inside you.

Yes, try to avoid rows and arguments whenever possible. But do not be so tolerant that you endanger your own mental health. Look for patterns of toxic behaviour. There is no room for people who consistently try to manipulate you - or those with a record of saying stuff that makes you feel bad.

Sure, Buddhism is great. Yes, we all need to try to understand each other’s struggles. But sometimes it’s okay to say: ‘“I forgive you, I understand you, I know you have faced your own challenges… but, seriously, get the fuck out of my life.”

Namaste.

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This week’s podcast with Richard Beard

On the pod this week I was joined by the author Richard Beard who’s book, Sad Little Men - Private Schools And The Ruin Of England, is out now.

Richard’s experience of being sent away to brutal boarding schools from a young age had a deep and lasting impact on his mental health. His book examines how the public school system breeds unhappy men who often have a lack of empathy.

It was an honest and fascinating chat. Please give it a listen. By the way, the pod is now available weekly on both iTunes and Acast (and should pop up on your preferred podcasting apps too).

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@ChairtySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/