How To Love Yourself

Because boosts to your self-esteem are hard to come by

When I announced that I was writing a new book about mental health and sobriety last year, I got a message from an old mate saying: “congratulations - but you won’t sell any copies.”

Charming!

When you’ve poured your heart and soul into a deeply personal project for a couple of years, you can really do without that level of meanness. I’m sure it wasn’t designed to make me feel bad and was probably just a bit of misjudged banter (I call this a nasty case of ‘Bantsman’s Block’ - I’m told the German term for it is ‘falschesGeplänkel’) but it did ever so slightly shit on my disco.

Oh well, all’s well that ends well. My book, Sort Your Head Out, is less than a month old and, contrary to my pal’s warnings, has sold quite few thousand copies already. At one point on its first weekend, it was the 28th best selling book on the whole of Amazon. Perhaps even more thrillingly, it reached number 4 on Amazon’s ‘celebrity autobiographies chart’ just behind Pammy Anderson! (I’m not a celeb, of course, but someone at Amazon thinks I am).I am so grateful to everyone who has purchased a copy so far, especially to those who have reached out to tell me how much they enjoyed it.

I wrote the book to help people who might have felt lost and alone in their feelings. That’s how I felt when I started struggling in my late thirties. I was ashamed of the way I felt because I didn’t think I had the right to be miserable. It would have really helped me back then to know that other people just like me were feeling the same sense of overwhelm. But instead of connecting with people who were going through the same experiences as me, I hid my feelings and started self-medicating with booze and drugs.

When I eventually came out the other end, I began writing about it here on The Reset to help give others some hope. When a publisher came calling with a book deal I saw it as a nice little bonus. It has turned out to be more than that because, as it transpires, a book spreads the message further and wider than I ever imagined. Now there are a ton of messages in my inbox from people who say that Sort Your Head Out has encouraged them to open up, show a bit of vulnerability, seek help and perhaps address their drinking. I feel great about that.

If any of this sounds like bragging by the back door, all I can say is that, yes, I am really proud of the book and the fact that it has proved popular. Why wouldn’t I be? One of the book’s central messages is that we should all start to treat ourselves with a bit of kindness and try to silence that destructive inner monologue with which we shit-talk ourselves every day.

So if you’ve set out to do something and it’s turned out pretty well, then give yourself a pat on the back FFS. Self-esteem is hard to come by. Take it whenever and wherever you can. Back when I published my other books, years before I got sober, I would have hidden behind self-depreciation or wild, exaggerated self-congratulation. It was all an act. I just wasn’t in touch enough with my own emotions and didn’t know how to be sincere.

It works both ways. If you are able to offer praise, encouragement and love while looking someone in the eye, and not dilute it with a silly joke or put down, you can make a real difference to that person’s self-esteem. You also feel better about yourself; it makes you feel open-hearted and authentic. Like you’re no longer afraid to show your human side.

Everyone benefits from a bit of love and kindness. Show yourself some once in a while. Whoever you are, I’m sure you deserve it.

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Buy A Signed And Dedicated Copy Of Sort Your Head Out

The good people at Barnes Bookshop (my local) are the ones to contact if you want a signed and dedicated copy of Sort Your Head Out. Phone or email them with your order (and what you’d like me to write inside the book) and they will sort the rest out. I pop in there a few times a week to do the business. They always make me a nice cup of tea and the whole experiences is very enjoyable.

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In Case You Missed It

I have been whoring the book out all over the place for the past few weeks. No doubt you’ll have seen me going on about it on social media. But in case you missed any of it, here are some recent bits you might (or to be honest, might not) be interested in.

Here’s a bit of me talking about hiding my feelings on BBC 5 Live

Paul Hawksbee and Charlie Baker were kind enough to give me half an hour to bang on about the book on their talkSPORT show on publication day (Feb 9th). The best bits can be heard on this podcast.

I did a lengthy interview on the Alcohol Free Life podcast with Janey Lee-Grace last week. This is worth a listen if you are sober or sober curious. Janey is brilliant (side note, she was also the singer with Cola Boy on their 90’s banger ‘Seven Ways To Love’)

I did another long interview on one of my new favourite podcasts The Gentleman Ultra with Frank Risorto. We discussed mental health, drinking, our shared love of Italy, my lifelong support of Lazio and a memorable experience I had with the legendary referee, Pierluigi Collina.

My on BBC Radio 4’s Loose Ends a few weeks back (the whole show is good but my bit comes in the last 15 mins)

I wrote a piece in the Sunday Mirror about how working class men are being left behind in the mental health crisis

I also wrote about how to have fun sober in The Guardian

And I did a Q&A about my favourite books for The i Paper

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/