How To Stop Drinking

I mean, if you want to stop. You don't have to.

An old boss of mine at a radio station I worked at used to introduce me to people by saying: “This is Sam. He doesn’t drink because he got so pissed one night he came home and accidentally killed his own dog.”

He thought it was funny. To be honest, it was funny. The working environment was extremely blokeish and I enjoyed being a part of it. But when I stopped drinking, in amidst a bunch of other men who all seemed to drink more than me, it provoked bafflement and confusion. I couldn’t really be bothered going into detail as to why I had quit (see last week’s column) so I just let him tell the dog lie, everyone laughed and I ordered a Coke. No-one cared, which suited me.

By the way, before I get trolled by the dog-loving community, I don’t find dog killing funny. I just thought it was funny that this bloke, my boss and a man of some authority, would casually tell such an extreme lie about me while I stood there beside him.

For the record, I haven’t owned a dog since Bella, our brilliantly demented family mongrel, died when I was 19 (of natural causes). I love dogs but can’t get one because my cat, Nelson, is a complete neurotic who would have a panic attack and drop dead if we brought any other animal into the house. I would never even so much as kick a dog. I’m glad we’ve got that straight.

If you are sober curious I have some great advice for you: get sober.

If you’re curious I’m guessing that means it appeals to you on some level. Perhaps you’re tired of feeling tired. Perhaps you’re worried that you’re developing a problem. Maybe you’d just like to know what it feels like to wake up with energy and optimism every morning and go to bed feeling at peace. Clear skin; weight loss; better sleep; more money - blah blah blah. It’s all true but you know all of already. Whatever your reasons, they are probably very good ones. So just do it, is my advice. No ifs or buts, you don’t need them.

You’ve been convinced by society that giving up drink is a really big deal. You’ve heard people gossip in hushed tones about other individuals who have decided to quit. “Do you think they had a problem?” people whisper. “What happened? Did they cheat? Did they piss their pants in a meeting? Did they kill their dog?” Let them say what they like. Letting go of what other people think about you is the most life-changing thing you can ever do.

Once you’ve stopped giving a fuck about other people’s bullshit you are bullet proof.

Let them say and think what they want. If they are spending time gossiping or speculating or spreading rumours about other people then they are spiritually sick and should be pitied.

But, the good news is, 99% of people aren’t gossiping about you or even thinking about you. 99% of people couldn’t give a fuck - they’ve got enough shit on their own plate without worrying about what’s on yours.

I try my best not to give out too much specific advice in this newsletter (I don’t always succeed, I know). I prefer to just tell you about the stuff I’ve gone through in the hope that it might make some of you realise you’re not the only ones. You’re not a weird freak. Your problems and worries are not shameful or bizarre. It’s normal and you’re not alone.

But I will give you some advice today.

If you have a happy and healthy relationship with booze, please ignore me (or just carry on reading for the mega-LOLZ).

But if you think you might have a problem then listen up. How do you know if you have a problem? Well, do you often promise yourself that you will not drink but then end up having a drink anyway? And do you feel shit about yourself afterwards? Then you probably have a problem. So why not just quit? For good. Fuck it.

Cutting down is bullshit.

It’s a scam. It’s not sustainable. As problem drinkers we at some point crossed an invisible line where moderation stopped being possible. We became the sort of people for whom one glass of wine with dinner just wasn’t feasible. Once you have the taste of it, booze nags at your brain, demanding more attention. Next thing you know, the wife and kids have gone to bed, you’re watching ski-jumping on Eurosport at three in the morning and you’ve managed to drain that whole bottle of Tia Maria you found at the back of the cupboard.

Anyway, fuck one glass of wine.

Booze is for getting pissed on. A small amount of alcohol is just an irritant that leaves you sleepy, uncomfortable and needing a wee. There is one feeling better than being pissed and that is being totally sober, clear headed, capable, relaxed, sharply aware of all the lovely things around you and totally comfortable in your own skin.

Living your life with a naked mind, that doesn’t need the swaddling embrace of alcohol never gets boring. It keeps getting better. Once you practise living that way you soon start to stroll more breezily through life: it’s not that the little every day problems don’t bother you at all. It’s just that you develop an inner faith that you will tackle them and move on without running away or imbibing comfort booze like a baby who needs their dummy in order to sleep.

And as for the good times - the birthdays, the sporting victories, the job offers, the sunny afternoons with your mates pretending that you’re care free adolescents again - you don’t need booze to elevate those moments. Experiencing them with a clear mind is what really makes the most of them. Why ruin one of life’s all too rare glimpses of joy by distorting the reality with alcohol? It seems mad, looking back, that I used to get pissed every Christmas. It was a waste of Christmas. I mean, I could be pissed any time I liked. But Christmas only came once a year so why check out of the whole magical experience by getting stuck into the cans at 11am?

So that’s my advice. Just stop drinking.

Give it a week and see how you feel. Then keep going. I am not preaching (I mean, do what you like, obviously) and I am not judging (like I say, if you have no worries about drinking then crack on lads). But if there are any doubts at all in your mind just stop now, tell everyone it’s forever and if anyone asks you why say that you got pissed and sat on your pet iguana or something.

Don’t ask yourself why you should give up. Ask yourself why you want to carry on. Do you like the taste? Pffft. Have a cup of tea and a jammy dodger FFS.

Check out The Reset On Instagram

I’m sharing pics, thoughts, ideas and LOLs over on Instagram throughout the week. Subscribe and marvel at all of my daily bullshit. You can find me at @TheResetSam

This Week’s Reset Podcast With Matt Smith

No, not the fella who played Dr Who. This Matt Smith used to be one of the top producers at talkSPORT, organising all of their big broadcast missions to world cups and other big events around the world. But gambling and booze got the better of him and his life fell apart. Now he is six years gamble and booze free. he told me his amazing story of recovery - and inspirational tale that shows you should never give up on yourself.

I Have Done A New Podcast With My Son

Lenny is nine and has an elaborate imaginary football world inside his brain. It’s called Earth Tournament. Listeners to my other podcast, Top Flight Time Machine, will be familiar with it. Now he has launched a podcast about it called The Bear Tent. It is, in my very biased opinion, brilliant and very funny. I am getting a big kick out of helping him with it - this is the sort of shit I live for to be honest. Have a listen.

Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@ChairtySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/