It'll be sober this Christmas
Which is okay because Christmas is fun all on its own
I’m in my garden shed-cum-office surrounded by wrapping paper, bits of ribbon, tape and Boots carrier bags. I have lit the frosted mistletoe and eucalyptus candle I bought myself from M&S to offset the sense of chaos. The Christmas 1984 episode of Top Of The Pops is playing on You Tube. Later, my in laws are coming round for mince pies and presents. It will be a laugh.
This will be my eighth sober Christmas. People have stopped asking me why I’m not drinking because it is an established norm. In fact, if I have a glass of zero-percent beer or Nozecco I tend to clumsily announce to onlookers that it’s non-alcoholic, in case they wonder if I’ve fallen off the wagon.
If it’s your first Christmas on the wagon then congratulations, you’re about to discover (I hope) that Christmas is an inherently enjoyable time of year that doesn’t need alcohol to make it bearable. If you’re seeing family and friends (and you actually like seeing family and friends) then you’ll be able to enjoy their company all the more while not pissed. If they’re the sort of people whose company you can only stand with a drink inside of you then consider that a massive red flag and try to swerve spending too much time with them.
If you’re not spending Christmas with family and friends then treat yourself kindly. Watch some movies, stuff your face, put your favourite music on. Ignore the festive cliches entirely if they’re not your thing - don’t watch Elf, watch The Godfather. Don’t have a turkey, have a kebab.
Traditions are often used to make us feel inadequate. TV commercials and movies present certain festive traditions as non-negotiable when it comes to having a happy Christmas. But all that really matters is you managing to have a bit of peace, rest and relaxation.
Families can use traditions against each other at Christmas time. You can get forced into observing certain rituals of behaviour not because anyone finds them enjoyable but because it’s ‘what we’ve always done.’ If you get older and choose to break with these traditions the family might shoot each other eye-rolling glances as if you’re being ‘difficult.’ Good. That means you’re on the right track - you are breaking a toxic cycle.
I remember my dad used to make us go to his house to see my sister every Christmas day afternoon. One year when I was about 16 I realised this was a bit mean on my mum who was left on her own for half the day. I suggested he brought my sister over to our house instead. That way nobody was left on their own. I got the eye roll from everyone (apart from my mum, of course). But my argument was watertight and I stuck to my guns. I’d broken a little cycle. Everyone had a great time.
Sobriety helps you to see all of this stuff with a bit more clarity. You become able to enjoy yourself until you don’t and then to just wind things down. For instance, after my in laws have been here for about three and a half hours this evening and the banter starts to fade, the gifts are all given and we’re all nicely stuffed, I will quietly escape upstairs. I will change into my pyjamas and a pair of those nice, thick, nordic looking socks you can wear round the house. Then I will come back down, yawn loudly and announce that I’m about to watch Trading Places. My in-laws are good, considerate people who will immediately understand this is their cue to leave. We’ll have all had a great time and be really grateful for having shared each other’s company at this special time of year. I will tell them all that I love them dearly.
And then they can fuck off.
Merry Christmas, one and all. x
Sort Your Head Out published on Feb 16th
Pre-order a Christmas gift to yourself!
Here’s a link to pre-order my new book. You’ll be able to get it in hardback (for the sophisticates), Kindle (for the modernists) and audiobook (for the physically active).
Here’s a sneak preview of the whole hardback jacket (a very rough screenshot that the publishers probably don’t want me to share yet but, fuck it, I’m excited)
And here’s a thrillingly nice review I got from one of my all time favourite authors, Irvine Welsh (whom I never expected to read it, let alone like it!)
This week’s podcast with music industry legend Gary Farrow
Gary Farrow is the entertainment industry’s ‘Mr Fixit.’ He has helped shape the careers of George Michael, Elton John and numerous other household names. He rarely steps into the spotlight himself. So I was delighted that he agreed to come on the podcast this week and reveal all about the mental and emotional pressures of working on the frontline of showbiz, with some of the biggest egos on the planet. LISTEN HERE
Thanks to everyone who has subscribed, contributed, read or listened to my output this year. Every interaction means a great deal to me. I hope all of you have a great Christmas and new year. But if you don’t, fuck it, there’s always something better waiting round the corner.
Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times
https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123
@calm 0800 58 58 58
@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138
@CharitySane 0300 304 7000
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/