It's not your industry, it's you!

I used to think work drove me to booze. But it was always me at the wheel.

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

I went out last week. Properly out: I ironed a top, had a shave, walked to the tube station, went up west and met my wife for a bit of dinner. Then she took me to a fancy launch party at a swishy bar full of her clever colleagues.

My missus works in publishing. She is mates with smart, sophisticated people. She is on first-name terms with booker-prize winners. On our shelves at home, there are hardbacks with warm, handwritten dedications to her from the likes of Seamus Heaney and Peter Carey.

The only book I have with a hand written dedication inside is from West Ham legend Paolo Di Canio. It says ‘To Sam, Hammers Up!’ with his name signed underneath. I think he meant to write ‘Up the hammers,’ which is the more established phrase among fans of the club. But who was I to complain? He might not be a patch on Seamus Heaney when it comes to words but, fuck me, what a player.

Anyway, I am well used to rubbing shoulders with my wife’s highbrow cohorts. She’s been in the old book game for years. I, meanwhile, have generally occupied less rarified quarters of the media: peddling my knockabout journalism, low-rent tittle-tattle and juvenile claptrap across whichever periodicals or broadcast outlets would have me.

That’s how I know she loves me for who I really am, see? She could have run off with some tweedy, egg headed literary type years ago if she’d wanted. But would she have been happy shacking up with someone like Salman Rushdie? Would she fuck. Every day, as he engaged her in tedious discussion about the latest literary releases or important world events, she would glaze over and long for just one more sweet taste of my world-class banter and adorable, cheeky-chappy antics.

So, in case you’re wondering, no - I am not intimidated by my wife’s brainiac mates. I just keep my mouth shut, my head down and try to laugh at what I guess are the bits of conversation intended to be amusing. It’s like going to see a Shakespeare play with your English teacher when you’re at school. You just have to get through it without making a cunt of yourself.

Everyone was bang on the booze at this party. Someone asked why I was sipping at a glass of fizzy water. The obvious answer was, of course, “Because still water is for squares.” But I didn’t say that. I said what I always say: “Because I was a massive piss head so I had to stop drinking booze forever.” Sometimes that amuses people. Sometimes it freaks them out. Either way, it does a good job of stopping any further questions on the subject.

Publishing is a bit of a boozy industry. But then again, what industry isn’t ? I’m always amazed by the amount of people who claim that their industry is the reason for their unhealthy relationship with alcohol. “Oh, well, I’d like to cut down but you see it’s so difficult in my industry because everything centres around booze…”

Yeah? Join the club. Every industry centres around booze. Yours isn’t anything special, wild or glamorous. It’s just work. Work sucks and booze is a popular way of relieving the sense of boredom, exhaustion and despair it generates within your soul. Doesn’t matter if you’re an accountant, the lead guitarist in Motley Crue or a carpet fitter, you will constantly find yourself in situations where booze is made available to oil the wheels of the grind.

People often assume that it was my life in the media that drove me into addiction. It wasn’t. In fact, work responsibilities usually made me temper my bad behaviour (with only the odd, notable exception. Like when I got hammered at a banquet for a visiting delegation from the Chinese government and sang ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ in front of them. To be fair, they absolutely loved it).

Things got out of hand for me when I was alone, bored, lonely and exhausted and started getting solo-twatted in the daytime in a futile bid to make myself feel better. I’ve never blamed my industry; I’ve always blamed myself.

Time was, I would have been firing into all the free alcohol on offer at a party like the one last week. Standing about making conversation with strangers can seem awkward and difficult so a couple of stiff ones can lend a helping hand. It all seems quite innocent until you’re banging out a terrace anthem in front of 150 bewildered communist bureaucrats.

All I can tell you is, I had a great time sober last week. It’s all I’m used to now. Once you’ve done pissed things sober a few times you realise it’s easier, cleaner and more fun that way. You come to understand that you are able to be interesting, energetic and convivial in the company of other people without having to drink a magic potion first. It makes you feel good about yourself.

If you get bored, it’s not because you’re sober. It’s because the situation is boring. So go home and do something less boring instead. Don’t rely on booze to make shit things good. Just avoid doing shit things. It’s free!

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Me on the Manatomy podcast

I had the honour and privilege of appearing on the Manatomy podcast last week. It’s hosted by my old mate and mentor (and first boss), Phil Hilton and the writer, broadcaster and all-round genius, Danny Wallace. They’re a legendary couple of fellas who are also responsible for the brilliant Assembly newsletter which I have mentioned here before. I can recommend subscribing to both. On the pod, I spoke to them about my career, mental health, being a lad, losing my hair and my struggle with alcohol. I think this is probably the best interview I’ve done on a podcast, I was really pleased with the way in turned out. Please give it a listen.

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My Encounter With A Future King

Photo by Paweł Furman on Unsplash

I bumped into Prince William at the gym the other day. True story. I wrote all about it in my Big Issue column which you can read here.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/