Lifting Weights To Lift My Mood
Why strength training is my favourite antidepressant
I turned 50 on Wednesday and marked it by embarking upon a watchathon of the Rocky movies with my son.
What does Rocky tell us about life? That love is the most important thing a man can have. That anything is possible if you face your fears. And that there is nothing like a long training montage with a power-rock soundtrack to make you feel optimistic about life’s possibilities.
I guess I wanted to be Rocky when I was a kid. I would shadow box in my room and try to recreate those epic training montages in the confines of our five-foot by five-foot paved back yard. But at a mercifully early age, I realised that Rocky was fiction and that I would probably never be able to become the world's heavyweight champion. I would often struggle to even defeat my own shadow. I made peace with that and, instead, started trying to be half decent at the things I had more of a natural aptitude for (like writing and mucking about).
I’m glad I overcame the childish fantasy of being a perfect physical specimen and athletic phenomenon when I was still a child. Some blokes hold onto outlandish dreams long into adulthood and, as a result, have to struggle with the inevitable feelings of failure and inadequacy that constantly haunt them. I am happy that I set my standards at the lower (or more rational) level and have therefore arrived at middle age focusing less on the stuff I haven’t done and more on the stuff I have. We all have regrets and ‘what might have beens’, but I focus instead on where I am now compared to where I used to be.
I have changed a great deal over the past ten years. I celebrated my 40th birthday ten years ago with a big party in a pub. I was in and out of the toilet all night snorting gear, pissed off my nut, stumbling about and trying to hide my behaviour and dark, miserable feelings from all the family and loved ones who had been kind enough to attend the event.
A couple of months later, I got clean and haven’t looked back.
And, yes, it did feel a little bit scary to turn fifty, but the way I got past all my feelings of dread was to compare myself to my 40-year-old self. Back then, I had let myself go pretty badly. Not only was I mentally fragile and emotionally volatile, but I was also physically derelict. When you’re off your face all day every day, you don't tend to find time to exercise - nor do you make particularly healthy decisions about food and drink.
About a year after I got sober, I went into a local gym and met a professional trainer called Jordan. I got lucky because not only was he extremely good at his job, but he was a top bloke. We got on so well that, even on the mornings I really didn’t feel like training, I went to the gym anyway and always, without exception, ended up feeling better for it. Now it is part of my life. I never have second thoughts about turning up, even on my most shitty mornings, because I know that I will feel so much better once I’ve trained.
The days I train with Jordan are always the most productive work days of my week, too. My body races with endorphins, and my mind is rendered clear, sharp and focused. I leave the gym feeling exhilarated and happy. I write better, I get things done, my admin output is unreal. I love it.
I run a few times a week (slowly) and I have been boxing for the past ten years too. It’s not like I am incredible at any of this stuff. That’s not what I’m in it for. It just makes me feel good and is the most reliable way of fixing a low mood. I’ve struggled with depression nd anxiety my whole life, and exercise has always been the best solution.
The biggest game changer for me has been lifting weights. I used to think that pumping iron was for cheesy, insecure macho blokes who wanted to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger (or indeed Stallone). What I have discovered over the past ten years is that there is so much more to it than the pursuit of a buff physique, which is a good thing too because, despite my dedication to regular weight lifting, my body is neither buff, nor ripped (let alone hench, jacked or swoll).
I am, however, pretty strong. Certainly stronger than I was ten years ago. In fact, I am much stronger than I was even a year ago. When I started out with this stuff, I struggled to bench press much more than thirty kilos. Now I can bench just shy of 90kg, which is pretty good for a fifty-year-old, I reckon. I can deadlift 100kg.
It’s not that I want to go around with my top off, flexing my pecs (that would be horrifying for everyone) or that I want to beat anyone up (well, maybe some people). It’s more about the sense of achievement I get from consistently setting and meeting goals. I didn't just jump into the heaviest weights in the gym. I started very light, a long ago and I followed an extremely gradual programme of small increases. I have managed to stick to it with real discipline and purpose for several years.
This is uncharacteristic for me: I find consistency and routine boring in most other areas of my life. But lifting weights was different. Jordan told me many years ago to trust the process and I did. Now, when I push that loaded bar up above my chest, I feel amazing. Nobody is watching me. I doubt I get much admiration, nor do I want it. There are younger blokes in the gym who are fitter and stronger than me. But it’s the knowledge that I have got to where I am with hard work and diligence that makes me feel good.
Numerous studies have shown that weightlifting is highly effective in regulating the parasympathetic nervous system, lowering cortisol levels, and fighting stress. In fact, there’s a huge amount of evidence to suggest strength training is at least as effective as antidepressant medicine at fighting depression. I can certainly tell you it works for me.
It’s given me a sense of purpose, taught me how to fight through discomfort, improved my resilience and provided me with a healthy outlet for the feelings of anger and frustration that inevitably visit from time to time.
In short, I fucking love lifting heavy stuff and can recommend it to anyone who wants to get their head straight and their mood levelled out. You don’t need to pay a trainer if you’re skint - there are a ton of free resources on YouTube to get you started on a programme. If you’ve never tried it before, don’t worry about people judging you in the gym. Nobody gives a fuck, everyone is wrapped up in their own workout.
Hitting fifty is tough in many ways. One of the main thoughts older blokes are plagued with is: ‘Am I past my peak?’ It can sometimes seem like we might have already lived all of our personal bests
I might never be Rocky, but I know I am stronger and fitter than I was at 40 and that, if I continue to consistently turn up at the gym, I may well be fitter and stronger still when I am 55. Perfection has never been my goal but progress is a wonderful thing. It is never too late.
Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times
https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123
https://www.thecalmzone.net
@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138
@CharitySane 0300 304 7000
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/