My year of back and ache and bulls*it
The body keeps the score (and it's been winning all year)
Before this week’s column, a reminder that my new book Stop Shitting Yourself: 15 Life Lessons That Might You Calm The Fuck Down is available to pre-order on Amazon now, released in February 2025. Even better, pre-order from Barnes Bookshop for a signed copy with a personalised message from me as soon as it launches.
2024, the year of my back aching. All fucking year, it’s been a nightmare. Too much excersie, not enough stretching and being in my late 40’s probably hasn’t helped. But I won’t lie, it’s been a stressful twelve month what with one thing and another. My son was miserable at school for the first few months which was a big worry that took it’s toll. I’ve had a book to finish and also made the decision to try and move house for the first time in a decade. It might not sound like the worst set of problems in the world but stress is stress. As Gabor Mate puts it: "It doesn't matter whether we can point to other people who seem more traumatized than we are, for there is no comparing suffering".” In other words, we’re all going through our own shit, stop judging. Did my mental state cause my back ache? Well, I don’t think it helped. About half way through the year I took a break from therapy for the first time in nine years. This was partly because I wanted to see if, after everything I had learned over the past few years, I was now able to ‘self therapise.’ The findings of this little experiment were: (a) I am more self-aware than I once was and can look after my moods ` bit better these days. But (b) there’s also no replacement for being able to offload to another human once in a while without fear of judgement.
The Body Keeps The Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has been dead popular over the past couple of years. It outlines the very real, scientific link between our emotions, our thoughts and our bodies. Stress can transform into physical pain which stays in the body until you process your feelings. The stressful, unforgiving lives most of us lead are responsible for the inflammatory diseases, back pain and other ailments we suffer from.
And it’s not just when you start to get old. When I was 16 I remember my mum had to go into hospital for a week to have an operation on her eye. I had just started at sixth form college and we had recently adopted a kitten. My brothers had all moved out and I suddenly found myself living alone in the house, trying to care for a small feline and navigate myself through an intimidating new chapter in my academic life. Chuck in cooking and cleaning and it all got a bit too much for me. My back spasmed and I could barely move.
A nice old Bolivian woman who lived in the flats up the street heard I was home alone and insisted I come over to hers for dinner one night. After dragging myself and my mangled back up five flights of stairs, I was confronted by a plate containing a gigantic grilled fish, complete with head, greyish scaly skin, fins and a pair of sinister miky eyes that seemed to stare at me and say ‘Eat up, you fucking cripple.’
I was unused to eating a whole fish, with the bones and everything. The old woman babbled at me in what I thought was Spanish throughout the long meal. On more than one occasion I gagged into my napkin, so disturbed was I by all the bits and pieces of fish anatomy cluttering up my mouth.
I dragged myself home that night in tears of pain and anguish. I was counting the days until mum came home. The kitten kept escaping and I found myself trying to entice it back by hobbling up and down the street shaking a box of Go-Cat and desperately calling its name.
Here’s the saddest bit: the week before my mum went into hozzy I had been down the local underage boozer and met a girl. I remember being just drunk enough to approach her and start chatting, like I’d seen normal people in films do. It actually went okay and, while she didn’t give me her number, she did say she would like to see me again and promised to meet me in the same pub at the same table the following Friday. This was not something that ordinarily happened to 16-year-old me.
When the following Friday came along I was completely immobilised by back pain and couldn’t make it to my rendezvous. So I just lay on the sofa that night, stroking my kitten and watching Brookside. The next day, my mum came home and my back got miraculously better. Mind you, I never saw that girl again. She was really pretty and nice. Maybe I dreamt her? No, I asked my best mate if she was real and, much as he resented my partial success in actually talking to a girl, he confirmed it had happened.
Anyway, now it’s December 2024, I have finished my book (see above), the house move has trundled on and my son has found a new school where he is much happier. He has learnt that all this bollocks they tried to teach him at the old place about ‘resilience’ is just another way of saying ‘eat shit, kid.’ But life doesn’t have to be about eating shit all the time. It can actually be enjoyable. You don’t always have to be prepared for the worst because good things happen too. Now my son seems happier, healthier, friendlier and just more comfortable in his own skin. And I am too.
My back is so much better now. I can get up off the sofa without moaning. I am, as a result, much less grumpy and a whole lot easier to live with. After a bit of a break, I’m back to seeing my therapist every couple of weeks, which has helped I think. I confronted the source of my worries and the physical pain just melted away. The body does keep the score. The score at half time is Sam one, back nil.
Have a listen to this week’s episode of The Reset pod with one of my music heroes, soul legend Dee C.Lee
Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times
https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123
https://www.thecalmzone.net
@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138
@CharitySane 0300 304 7000
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/
That’s an interesting read Sam, enjoy seeing a slightly different side of life than what we hear on TFTM. Thanks
Really enjoyed this. Glad you’re 1 nil up at half time and all is getting back on track!