The Line Of Tolerance

Be kind, sure, but don't eat shit.

I was on a plane last Friday, waiting to take off at Heathrow on a flight to Milan. It was my best mate’s 50^th birthday weekend and we were off to watch a match at the San Siro. In high spirits, we were chatting away to each other about the weekend ahead when a smartly dressed Italian woman sitting in front of us turned around and told me to stop talking. She placed a well-manicured finger against her lips, frowned and said ‘Shush!’

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘Please, I am trying to listen…’ she said, pointing at the speakers, from which the pilot’s voice outlined the technical details of our journey to Milan. ‘No one wants to listen to this bit,’ I ventured. This seemed to anger her. ‘I DO!’ she snapped.

I turned back to my mate and we continued our conversation in a whisper. But she still wasn’t happy. ‘STOP!’ she said. At this point her husband placed a calming hand on her arm, attempting to diffuse the situation.

My mate and I didn’t want any trouble, so we shut up for a bit. I was dumbfounded. In situations like this, I try my best to reflect on my actions. Had I been talking too loudly? Perhaps, yes. I have a very loud speaking voice. Was I being obnoxious? I don’t think so. We weren’t swearing or being aggressive. We were just chatting about what we might have for dinner once we arrived at our destination. Could that have offended her in some way? You never know with Italians: they can be very judgy when it comes to other people’s food choices. But still. I couldn’t quite see how it was okay for her to have shushed me. It couldn’t possibly have been that she needed to know the exact details of our prospective altitudes or speeds or the prevailing wind patterns. Nobody needs to know that stuff, it’s boring. She was just having a go at me.

In the passport line in Milan, I turned to my mate and said: ‘That woman was really rude wasn’t she?’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Absolutely.’

I felt reassured. He tends to see things in a more straightforward way than me. Rights and wrongs come easily to him whereas I tend to get lost in over-complicated analysis of social situations and human interactions. Often, I am too keen to critique my own role in disagreements or conflicts. In recovery, you are taught to ‘keep your side of the street clean.’ In other words, try to always do the right thing, stay true to your values and understand that you have no control over other people’s responses. It's easier said than done.

Trying to live like a decent human being requires a certain amount of self-reflection.

Sometimes, when people annoy you, it helps to think about what might be going on in their heads. It’s also shrewd to think about your actions and how they might have provoked a situation. But where is the line between healthy self-reflection and toxic self-flagellation? It’s hard to spot sometimes.

Those of us with addictions, anxiety or other mental health problems are very often ‘people pleasers.’ For whatever reason (maybe we were conditioned to seek approval from indifferent parental figures in childhood) we are hyper-sensitive to other people’s responses to us. In search of affirmation, we say ‘yes’ to stuff without thinking about the consequences. We want to be liked, sometimes at any cost. So we go along with other people’s shit until we get exhausted, frustrated and angry, instead of just saying ‘no’ to things that don’t serve us well. Often, when people say or do things to us that are out of order, we just swallow it and smile. This is often driven by pride: we don’t want anyone to think that their words or actions could possibly hurt us.

But the trouble with that is that the pain, anger and resentment just sit inside of us and can all too often curdle into bitterness. I know I’ve carried all sorts of resentments around with me for years for things that others have done to me that I never picked them up on. I acted like it was all water off a duck’s back. But it wasn’t: it hurt. If I had called that shit out at the time, I probably would have been able to let go of it quicker. It would have given me closure. But I was too proud. And so I tend to go through life appearing easy-going 80% of the time, then explode with anger once in a while. But the anger wouldn't be there if I had just addressed little irritations as I went along.

When I was a kid I took loads of shit off people, particularly as the youngest member of a boisterous family. Now I’m bigger, older and uglier I sometimes explode with rage when somebody annoys me and then I wonder: was this just an expression of the hurt and frustration I had to keep inside when I was a frightened kid?

So when should you speak out and say: ‘That was mean and unnecessary and it hurt me.’ And when should you just keep schtum and get on with your life? I think it’s a matter of identifying the situations you can control and those you can’t.

I made the right call on the plane to Italy.

Yes, the woman who shushed me was out of line. But she might have been angry or upset about something else and I just happened to get caught up in her shit. Or maybe she was just bonkers. Maybe she was a straightforward wanker. Who knows? Either way, there was no way I could fix it by getting into a row with her. I’d have only left myself agitated as I entered into what was supposed to be a nice weekend away.

The time to set boundaries is when stuff feels more personal. Sometimes, when someone is being a ride cunt, you must face your fears and say: ‘Mate, you are being a rude cunt. Stop it. It’s cunty.’ Although it doesn’t always have to go that far. You can practise what the kids call ‘self-care’ by identifying the people and situations that wind you up and doing your best to avoid them.

There will be people, places and things in life that have a high propensity to piss you off. The trick is to identify those things and limit your exposure to them. Ditch that mate who always has subtle digs at your character every time you meet them for lunch. Skip that family event that always leaves you feeling strangely irritated and bruised. Don’t go to those places that trigger your worst habits or moods. Audit your life. Streamline your activities. Only hang out with the good people. The ones who make you feel shit might be struggling with their demons, and that’s a shame, but it doesn't mean you have to keep spending time with them. They’re grown-ups, they will work it out. In the meantime, stay away.

Stop feeling like you have to constantly appease others, win approval or explain your unwillingness to do stuff that doesn’t make you happy. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. So are ‘fuck that.’ ‘fuck off’ and ‘fuck you.’

Anger is not always a negative emotion - it just depends on how you express it. If you keep it inside for too long, it might come out as rage or aggression. But if someone has upset you, the anger you feel is a clue that you need to take action. Do it swiftly: tell someone calmly that their words or actions have hurt you. Tell them if you think their behaviour is out of line. Listen to your anger. Just don’t let it eat you up and make you a grumpy bastard. Speaking as someone who has grumpy bastard tendencies, I know how easy this is.

When I feel myself drifting into a bad mood, in which I am constantly annoyed and difficult to be around, I try to trace the source of my ire. Often, I am simply tired or hungry. A nap and a sandwich will fix most things. But sometimes it’s an accumulation of little irritations that I have tried to ignore or quietly endure, only for them to mutate into bitterness, resentment and anger. So the trick is to spot those things as they happen and react accordingly. Stop eating shit every day. It will make you sick.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

https://www.thecalmzone.net

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/