Therapy: Because Bottling It Up Since 1975 Isn’t Working

It's not just for weirdos and Americans. Talking to a pro saved my life.

A lot of blokes don’t fancy therapy. Why is that? We know there is a mental health crisis among British males from the stats. Suicide remains the biggest killer of men under the age of 50 in this country. But even anecdotally, most blokes understand that everyone around them is struggling with something. Exhaustion and stress are rife, as are feelings of failure, loneliness and worry. This is why so many blokes drink too much or still take drugs deep into middle age. They need to take the edge off, as this is the only way they know how.

The actor David Harewood gave a fascinating interview in The Times last weekend in which he talked about the mental health crisis he suffered in his twenties, how he buried it for years afterwards and then, in middle age, finally found a therapist he felt he could talk to. “I found the blackest, malest, most dreadlocked therapist I could find. And I still check in with him every Friday,” he said. His point was that, as a black man, he needed to find someone he felt comfortable with and who might be able to relate to his issues, many of which surrounded race and identity.

This highlights one of the reasons I think so many men are hostile to the idea of seeking therapy. They believe the average shrink will not understand what they are going through. Many blokes have a stereotypical idea of a therapist in their mind’s eye: it’s usually either a Sigmund Freud type with a German accent and a gigantic bald head or an earth-Mother type in flowing tie-dye and sandals who might encourage them to go into the woods and start screaming.

These therapy archetypes are rooted in popular culture and—while often very funny—are unhelpful to men seeking help. If you’re a bloke with an ordinary set of problems, like work, money, relationship issues, or anger issues, you just t i’t imagine talking about that stuff to someone so alien to the sort of life you lead.

What Harewood did to resolve this was seek someone who he felt would ‘get’ him and his problems. I think this is important. I was lucky enough to click with the second therapist I ever met. I was seeking help for my drink and drug problem, and I met a woman about 15 years my senior who was herself a former addict. Not only that, she swore, laughed at the dark stuff I told her that was self evidently funny and gave me the sense that she had been there and done it all. She was completely non-judgemental and just knew how to listen. She let me share and gently encouraged me to explore my feelings, look for recurring patterns in my own behaviour and slowly guide me towards finding my own answers.

I have never had to lie on a couch or sculpt a piece of clay into a shape that reflected my emotions. I’m sure some people do that sort of far-out stuff in therapy and it helps them. But it was never for me. I approached therapy like a cynic: I had been raised to be pretty hostile to the idea of ‘self exploration.’

I only ended up in therapy because I was fucking desperate. My drinking and drug abuse were so out of control in my late thirties that I thought I might die. So I just threw myself into it, like a final Hail Mary. I wound up realising that therapy was not for stupid people who felt sorry for themselves. It was for human beings, with busy lives and busy brains, who had a million and one stresses to deal with every day, but never took the time to step away from the chaos and take care of their feelings.

Therapy is for everyone. It’s just as essential as flossing your teeth or exercising once in a while. If you don’t do it, you will get sick. I didn't do it for the first forty years of my life, and I got very sick. Now, ten years later, I have done a shit load of talking with my therapist and I can understand myself so much better. When challenges arise in my life, I can pause for breath, regulate my emotions, take care of myself and face it all with courage and calm. When I’m anxious or miserable, I feel less alone and ashamed; I understand that these feelings are temporary and that everyone experiences them sometimes. I also have protocols that enable me to stop those dark feelings spiralling into something worse, like the sort of prolonged period of depression I sometimes suffered from in my thirties.

All of this is thanks to therapy. Despite all of my hostility and cynicism, the fact that it worked opened my mind and heart to other new ideas and practices that I would have previously rejected. Just recently, I started an eight-week course in mindfulness meditation. I would have regarded such a thing with amused contempt ten years ago. I am excited to discover what it might bring to my life.

So, my message to any middle-aged blokes who get grumpy, angry, sad, exhausted or frustrated and don’t quite know how to fix those feelings other than smashing a few pints and trying to forget it all until the next time, is open your minds. There’s other stuff out there that is cheaper than booze, more helpful than booze and doesn’t result in a sickening hangover.

Some blokes like to think of themselves as scientifically minded and worry that therapy is a slightly woo-woo exercise that’s not evidence-based. The truth is that all clinical evidence suggests it works. But like the gym, you get out what you put in. No therapist is going to change you after a couple of sessions. If you don’t allow yourself to be a little vulnerable and confront the way you feel, then not even a thousand hours of therapy will help you.

There will be a professional out there who you can relate to, who gets your problems, however small you might think they are, and who you will click with. Start looking. It will change your life.

A good place to start looking is Psychology Today’s searchable database of qualified counsellors

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

https://www.thecalmzone.net

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/