There's No Such Thing As Masculinity
There is only being human
Danny Dyer is a good man: funny, cheeky, intelligent, good at acting, a bit rough round the edges and (as a personal bonus) he supports West Ham. I am a fan.
I was pleased to read this week that he had got stuck into the World’s Worst Role Model, Andrew Tate, who, in the past has been filmed beating a woman with a belt, accused of trafficking sex workers (he denies this), claimed that married women are the property of their husbands and is just an all round boring, humourless weirdo who would be an absolute nightmare on a stag weekend.
In an interview, Dyer suggested that young men might be attracted to Tate as a response to all the public discourse about ‘toxic masculinity.’
I see his point. If young blokes grow up being told that they are toxic just by virtue of their gender, grouped in with all the very worst mansplainers, gropers, abusers, exploiters, perverts, dickheads and Laurence Foxes of this world, then their self-esteem will suffer. When a grifter with a six pack and a fleet of Bugattis slides into their You Tube feed and tells them that they don’t have to feel guilty and that, in fact, their most base instincts are entirely natural and good, then obviously they’re going to find that appealing.
If he doubles down by saying that it’s actually women - with all of their unreasonable demands and opinions - who are the real baddies, then you can see why a nerdy and vulnerable adolescent lad, consumed by frustration and insecurity, might be inclined to get behind Tate’s moronic philosophy.
Like any cult leader, Tate prays on the vulnerable. Dyer’s suggestion (and I’ve heard many others float similar ideas) is that we need more positive male role models to combat the appeal of Tate and his ilk (there’s a legion of corny ‘Alpha bros’ on social media peddling the same daft nonsense - and a tier or two below the all out misogynists you have the ‘high performance’ wallies who tap into a similarly imbecilic and just as dull brand of what it means to be a ‘real man’).
While I’m all for positive role models, I have come to believe that masculinity is just a silly notion contrived by stupid movies, crass advertising people and idiotic chancers like Tate.
My criteria for what makes someone worth hanging around with - whether they are a man, a woman or anything in between - is based on how fun they are, how kind they are and how generous they are. Intelligence is a bonus but not an essential (some of the thickest peoiple I know are also the kindest and most fun, so, go figure).
I don’t require a man to be muscular, moody, emotionless or brave. Nor do I object to those characteristics either. I understand that some people are like that and others aren’t. I think that attaching those sorts of traits to an archetype has no basis in biology, psychology or evolution. I think it’s just a load of old rubbish that no right minded person really cares about.
Sometimes people tell me that it is ‘instinctive’ for a man to want to be a ‘provider.’ That’s not true. Some men want to provide for their families. Numerous others abandon their responsibilities for an easy life. Some just want a quiet, simple life without any dependents. Similarly, there are just as many (if not more) women who have a strong an instinct to provide for and protect their families. Some people step up in life, some people don’t: gender has nothing to do with it.
There’s a lot said about how it’s important for men to feel strong while also allowing themselves to be vulnerable. To share their feelings while maintaining their core masculinity. Why? We’re not kids who need someone to tell us we’re tough in order to feel better about ourselves. It’s the equivalent of a woman saying that she wants to be regarded as, say, a strong and decisive business person while also being reassured about her fragrant femininity.
When I think of the word masculinity, I think of seventies medallion men with tight jeans and hairy chests pinching women’s arses. It’s corny and embarrassing. It seems weak and insecure to require approval on the basis of your strength or emotional indifference or willingness to doggedly make advances on disinterested women. I mean, go out on the pull by all means, lads. Slap a bit of cologne on and unbutton your shirt if that’s your thing. But don’t make out that we all have to do it in order to be a real bloke.
And by the way, I am not entirely guiltless in all this. I spent most of my younger years drinking beer, misbehaving at football and chucking about casual sexism in everyday conversation as if it were all just a bot of knockabout fun. I still fart, burp, spend too much time watching football and often shout too loudly in pubs (albeit while sipping a zero per cent beer these days). I spent the late nineties and early noughties working on lads mags. I am not advocating for the abolition of the beautifully stupid tropes of the twenty first century lad. It’s fun to be a bit of an idiot sometimes.
But it doesn’t make me more of ‘a man.’ That’s not really the point. There’s no such thing as a real man. There is such a thing as a real human. We are all different, all flawed, all struggling to get along but all capable of love and kindness. Accept yourself for who you are: a Muscle Mary with fast car, a sensitive poet with a bicycle, a beer guzzling geezer on the last night bus home or a heady mishmash of all this and more.
Being a man is not a choice between one extreme or the other. Being a man is just like being a woman. The rules are always the same: be kind, be fun, be generous, try not to take yourself too seriously. Just don’t be a dick.
Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times
https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123
https://www.thecalmzone.net
@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138
@CharitySane 0300 304 7000
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/