We Need To Talk About Male Friendship

Why blokes are so mean to their mates.

Above, Sam Delaney looking ‘fat and drunk.’

I recently posted a picture of myself on Instagram at the recording of a podcast called ‘Who We Are Now.’ It is hosted by the father and daughter duo Richard and Izzy Hammond - they invited me on as a guest to talk about my dislike of ‘high performance’ culture.

I thought it was quite a nice pic (see above). However, Richard and Izzy are relatively small people whereas I am six foot two and about 100 kilos. I did think I looked a bit like Sloth from The Goonies, towering over them with my trademark gormless smile. But, whatever, it’s funny.

A mate I haven’t seen or spoken to for years sent me a DM in response to the pic, moments after it was posted. He wrote: ‘You look fat and drunk.’ No laughing emoji. No wink. No ‘hope you’re well mate, it’s been too long.’ It was - as far as I could see - just a straightforward insult.

I was a bit put out, to be honest. I used to like this bloke, now I was wondering if I had done something in the dim and distant past to piss him off. I am also sensitive about my appearance (as most people are) and don’t like being called fat (as most people don’t). I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am a little bit fat, I suppose. But I feel there is more to my appearance that mere girth. My mum says I have quite nice eyes, for example. I’m not so bothered about looking drunk. I just look excited to be there, I guess (in contrast to Richard Hammond who - despite having been a very charming and personable host - looks a bit underwhelmed to be in my company. Fair enough).

Anyway, I couldn’t show that I was hurt because that’s just not the done thing among men. We have to laugh things off and demonstrate how thick skinned we are. I simply wrote back ‘charming’ and left it at that. I have not heard from him since.

I told my wife about it ‘Why are men are such bitches to each other?’ she said.

In the ongoing chat about men and mental health, we are continually told to look out for our mates. But let’s be honest, most male friendships are based largely on being fucking arseholes to each other. We pretend that the non-stop piss-taking is borne out of affection. But is it really? And even if it is, might there be a better, healthier way to express that inter-male affection that just saying cuntish things to each other?