Everything You Think You Know About Therapy is (Probably) Wrong

Talking to someone is not only fun. It's essential.

The first time I went to see a therapist I was shitting myself. Not just about what he might ask me (‘no mate, I do not fancy my mum’) but mainly about anyone else finding out.

I had this furtive phone call with a bloke over the phone who gave me his address - a mews house in a fancy part of town. On my way I was really worried that I might bump into someone I knew and blurt out what I was up to.

Guess what? I really did bump into someone I knew. I was at Earl’s Court station when a bloke I sometimes knew from West Ham approached and asked, as people do when they encounter each other at a train station, where I was off to.

I doubt he really cared where I was off to. It was just something to say. But I panicked and started babbling on about a totally fictitious work meeting.

Back then, telling him that I was off to see a therapist felt akin to telling him I was going to a sex dungeon to have my bollocks electrocuted by an old man dressed as a gimp. In fact, at least that would have made me seem a bit adventurous and colourful. But therapy? Paying someone to listen to me whinge about my perfectly normal life? It was an unthinkable admission.

It was my need to quit drinking that finally forced me to seek therapy - and even then, reluctantly. I was desperate and felt like I had no other options left. It helped get me sober but, after that, it helped me in so many other ways. I wish I’d started sooner, before I had already gone mental.

You probably hear a lot of people saying ‘men need to talk more about their feelings.’ It can be annoying. As if the mental health problems we have are all our own fault because we haven’t got the ability to jump on the wellness bandwagon. A part of me still thinks ‘fuck you, why should I share my feelings if I don’t want to?’

But although the importance of sharing has become a bit of a wanky cliche it is one hundred per cent legit. Sharing is fucking essential to keeping your nut straight. There are a million reasons why but here are some of the key ones:

1. By sharing your feelings you discover that other people feel the same way - you are not weird and don’t need to feel ashamed. Getting depressed or anxious is as normal as getting a cold in December. And it doesn’t make you weak either - Churchill was always getting depressed and that fucker beat Hitler.

2. Sometimes our feelings are the result of an overloaded mind. The culture we live in is way too frantic and overflowing with demented stimuli. Your nut ends up looking like the draw you keep all your headphones and charger cables in: a tangled up mess. In order to untangle it you need to start addressing your worries and problems one by one. Saying them out loud to a sympathetic and non-judgmental listener make it a thousand times easier.

3. Recognising your pain. Yes, that sounds a bit wanky too. ‘What pain?’ you might ask. We all live in the land of milk and honey - with flushing toilets, iPads and a Tesco Metro in every petrol station forecourt. We have nothing to complain about. Well, yes. But that’s all material comfort. It doesn’t protect you from emotional pain . All of us have had bits and bobs of that stuff our whole fucking lives. And most people - men in particular - become adept at hiding that pain from themselves and others because we’re conditioned to ‘suck it up’ and ‘just get on with it.’ As a result, all the little cuts and bruises start to accumulate into bigger scars. And they can keep getting bigger until you acknowledge then address them. Therapy helps you do this. You can look at your life honestly and identify the shit that might have had a negative effect on you along the way. You might even sympathise with yourself a bit. Which, in turn, will at least make you stop feeling so guilty about feeling shit.

Therapy is great for all of the above and so much more. It makes your head and your heart fitter and stronger, allowing you to manage your life better and face down the inevitable challenges you encounter along the way.

Plus, it’s basically an hour of talking exclusively about yourself - what’s not to like about that?

Some popular myths about therapy are that it’s for hippies sitting about on beanbags and getting you to scream at the memory of a kid who bullied you at school (maybe this type of therapy exists - probably in the Brighton area - but it is rare and easily avoided). Or that it’s some German sounding shrink in a pair of half moon specs trying to convince you that your parents were both cunts (this is based only on unfunny cartoons from the New Yorker - yes, you might talk in therapy about your parents sometimes but it’s rarely about them being bad people, more about you understanding the events that shaped you at a young age and how that might still effect your behaviour today).

The truth is that there are all sorts of therapists out there and few of them conform to the daft cliches. You are more likely to meet someone smart, compassionate, non-judgemental and well trained in helping you combat the stuff that is making you feel shit.

Yes you might have to shop around until you find someone you click with. But when you do (and you will) you will find that talking to someone who has no emotional investment in your problems is incredibly liberating. You open up about your feelings to an extent you never previously thought possible. And the more you do so, the more they can help you.

I have been going to my weekly sessions every Wednesday since 2015. It really helps. Sometimes we talk about the deep stuff. Sometimes the little things that are pissing me off. And occasionally I just rant about the bullshit that is stressing me out that week. She listens with a benign smile. Even if she doesn’t say much I leave feeling lighter on my feet. I prefer getting it off my chest to a paid pro than making my wife have to listen to it non stop.

I’m writing about therapy this week because today is national suicide prevention awareness day. If you can’t afford a therapist or are having to wait for a referral please talk to a friend or relative about your troubles. There are always people who will listen. Your problems are never as big as they seem. They just need a bit of untangling.

Use the helpful numbers below if you need someone to talk to right now.

And if, like me, you’ve already gone through the looking glass and found comfort in therapy, remember to be noisy about it. Let’s normalise talking about this shit. Let’s make going to a therapist as unremarkable as going to the dental hygienist.

Come on lads, it’s 2021 for fuck’s sake. You don’t have to pretend to be Clint Eastwood any more. Look at me - I can’t stop going on about my feelings and yet I am a double hard bastard. If Eastwood came round my estate giving it the moody routine I’d spark the cunt out.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@ChairtySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/