How To Check In On Yourself

Feeling rubbish sometimes is normal. Don't try to hide it.

It’s world mental health day. Everyone will be telling you to check in on your mates, which is great. But don’t forget to check in on yourself. Most men don’t realise they’re suffering from a mental health issue until it’s almost too late. They deny themselves any time for self-reflection and just don’t think they deserve to feel shit. But we all feel shit. The trick is to own up about it, first to yourself and then to others. So my message to everyone today is: take a breath, recognise your feelings and go easy on yourself.

I was doing a radio show in about 2008. A comedian I vaguely recognised was one of the fellow guests. He was funny and likeable. Amidst our off air chat, he kept making light reference to the fact that he hadn’t worked in a while due to his mental health. I felt really awkward and sort of pretended not to have heard those parts of the conversation. I wanted to keep talking about football and comedy and other pointless shit. I didn’t want to hear about his problems, they made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to say.

When we got on air, I became very nervous about him bringing up the subject of his depression because I thought it would make for awful radio. I figured people switched on the radio for a bit of light entertainment, not dark and twisty ruminations on a sad comic’s inner life.

What different times they were. This was all a good few years before I hit my own bumps in the road (by which I mean suffered depression, became immobilised by anxiety, turned to drink and wound up with a bastard coke habit before seeking therapy, going to AA and sorting myself out. See archive for further details etc.).

It’s a shame that I had to go through all of those shitty experiences in order to recognise the importance of talking about my mental health. It’s a Catch-22 situation: you don’t like talking about your feelings so they ferment, mutate and send you mental. Eventually (with any luck) you realise help is out there and you start to share. And then you realise that sharing was what you should have been doing all along. Because getting stuff off your chest is cathartic; and discovering that you have the love, understanding and kindness of people around you is life changing.

The biggest barrier for most blokes, I reckon is shame. We look around and hear stories about people with trauma and depression and often think ‘what the fuck have I got be be sad about?’ But to imagine that mental health problems are only reserved for a small number of deeply troubled individuals is wrong.

It’s not about who deserves to feel sad. It’s about being human. None of us are immune to feeling shit from time to time. The important thing is to recognise it before it gets out of hand. If you’re busy and all of life’s little stresses and strains are mounting up, allow yourself to acknowledge it. Take a step back and talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be an earnest chat; it needn’t be weird and you shouldn’t worry about seeming needy. “I’m having a shit week,” really is enough. Tell your mates, your partner, your family. Get used to chucking it into conversations. You will probably be surprised by the understanding you receive.

Most importantly of all, recognise these feelings in yourself. Stop beating yourself up for feeling shit. It’s the most normal thing in the world and there is help out there.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

https://www.thecalmzone.net

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/