How To Ignore Your Own Thoughts

Monster Munch, obsession and the dangerous architecture of the human mind.

It was my son’s tenth birthday party on Saturday. We had a few of his mates round to go mental and fuck about in the superb way that only ten year old boys can. I stood back from the action, realising that they had now reached an age where they no longer found my banter and antics (‘bantics’) amusing.

I was happy to just loiter in the kitchen, monitoring the snacks. There were so many snacks. The sort of snacks that, ordinarily, my wife goes to great lengths to hide from me. She knows what I am like. I am an addict. I might have managed to stay off the booze and gear for the past six years but I am prone to channel my batshit appetites and manic compulsions into whatever else is put in front of me.

On Saturday, I was left unguarded around the pickled onion Monster Munch. And so I ate them. Sacks and sacks of them. I was more Monster Munch than man by the end of the party. After nibbling just one, something was triggered inside my brain. Nostalgic recall of childhood comfort eating perhaps, like Proust with his madeleines. Delaney and his pickled onion Monster Munch. My dopamine system was activated. The happy hormones pulsed through my body and, that was it, I was gorging on them like a fat sultan for the rest of the afternoon. Onlookers noted that my eyes glassed over as if the tartly-flavoured snacks had sent me into a kind of trance. Lovely.

The consequences of this binge were mildly unpleasant. I felt sick and emotionally fragile for the rest of the day. I was dehydrated and unsettled. Self-hatred set in around the time that the other parents began knocking round to pick up their kids. I saw some of them glance furtively at the tell-tale crumbs on my face and jumper. I felt judged. I was ashamed. And so I ate more. Fucking hell.

My brain has always been obsessive. It latches onto one thought and won’t let go of it until I am almost broken. Saturday’s thought was “MUST EAT MONSTER MUNCH.” Someone with a more disciplined mind would probably enjoy just a handful of Monster Munch and think to themselves: “What a mildly pleasing interlude in my day this has been. Now time to get on with the rest of my life.” Whereas I think: “Jesus Christ! Monster Munch are delicious! Eating them is all I ever want to do for the rest of my life! FUCK SOCIETY! SMASH THE SYSTEM!”

And I won’t stop until I am sick or crying or my wife stages an intervention.

Booze, drugs, shopping, spending, Monster Munch. It’s all the fucking same. When I experience pleasure I just want more. Equally, my brain can attach itself limpet-like to negative feelings like fear or shame or worry. The overarching problem is an inability to break a certain line of thought. Once a notion has its hooks in my brain, I can struggle to think about anything else.

I’m an obsessive thinker. Like many other people, my brain has the capacity to operate on a loop system. But I’ve come to realise that I do have some control over it. I can manage my thought process rather than just accept (perhaps excuse) my obsessive tendencies as part of my genetic make-up. Which is a massive relief because, for large parts of my life, I have had to wrestle daily with barmy, destructive overthink which I always tried my best to hide behind a happy-go—lucky persona. I mean, no-one wants to be thought of a nervous ninny, do they?

A small worry can take hold and consume me for days on end. Perceived sleights from ancient history can resurface from nowhere and claim residence in my brain without warning.

I can invent awful scenarios about betrayal, failure, incarceration, poverty or death and play them out - in forensic detail - in my mind for days, weeks or even months on end. Sometimes I have let these imagined disasters plague my real life, impacting my mood and shifting my worldview into dark, debilitating territory.

Sometimes my ability to fixate so deeply on a particular thought has helped me complete projects or come up with great ideas. I am occasionally able to use my obsessive attitudes to help me get in physical shape or solve a big problem. I can be dogged and that can sometimes be useful. I will give up sugar completely for six months or stay up eight nights running to finish writing a book. But it’s still not healthy and it can be fucking annoying for the people around me.

Worry, pleasure, fear, excitement: it doesn’t matter if the thoughts drive feelings that are good or bad, the relentless cycle is the problem. The inability to just compartmentalise a particular thought and manage life in a balanced way - that seems to be at the heart of so many people’s problems.

Who knows why some of us have more obsessive minds than others? Maybe we were so afraid or anxious in our childhoods that our brains just got moulded that way. Or maybe we were too indulged and just never learnt when to stop. Maybe it’s all innate and our brains are just wired to operate like broken record players. Mind you, I spoke to a brain surgeon for The Reset podcast a few months back and he explained that, while it’s true that we can develop physical patterns in the brain that drive obsessive thoughts, it is also possible to reshape those patterns. Just like lifting weights can change the shape of our limbs, being focused in our thinking can change the shape of our brains. That’s what he says anyway. Listen to the podcast if you don’t believe me, I’m not the fucking brain doctor, am I?

I’ve read that micro dosing with LSD is increasingly popular among people who want to disrupt their repetitive thought patterns. I’m too scared to try that. I know that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has done wonders for loads of people. I’ve done a bit of that - although appealing to your brain’s more rational impulses sometimes feels a bit ambitious when you are riddled with deeply emotional, wildly confusing thoughts that you know are mental but that you just can’t stop.

What I do nowadays is just ignore my thoughts more often. I used to take my own brain way too seriously. If the seed of something negative drifted through my mind I would jump on it and nurture it into a gigantic shit-storm. Equally, I would identify some small source of pleasure such as food or drugs or drink or even just making someone laugh - and I would not stop milking it again and again and again until it stopped being fun.

It’s really hard to dig yourself out of these compulsive states once you are balls deep in them. So instead I try I try to stave them off before they get a chance to take hold. I observe my thoughts more consciously. I see the potentially bad shit that might flutter into my brain throughout the day and I quickly tell it to ‘fuck off’ before it gets too comfortable. If someone has annoyed me I will spot a resentful response brewing in my mind and try to shut it down right away. I will simply think about something else until the moment has passed. I will actively try to change the subject in my mind. I will sit back and just wait for the thought to go away. I remind myself that just because the thought exists, it doesn’t necessarily deserve my attention or respect.

I trust my brain a lot less than I used to. I am vigilant. I try to better police my thoughts. I try to organise them into appropriate mental folders . Legitimate worries are set aside for a bit of rational reflection at an appropriate time. Indulgent compulsions are identified and disciplined robustly. Proper mad shit is dragged directly to trash. Once a week I pay a therapist to help me empty the trash folder completely. It has taken me over 46 years but I feel like I am finally starting to take control of my own brain. All I need now is a shrink who specialises in acute Monster Munch issues.

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Aren’t The Beatles nice?

The thing that struck me most about watching Get Back was how nice the lads were to everyone. I mean, George is a bit passive aggressive in episode one, I suppose. But on the whole, all four of them are so pleasant.

“Can I have a cup of tea please? I drink gallons of the stuff in the morning,” says John when he arrives at the studio. This is the John Lennon that people say was either an aggressive yob or skag-addled weirdo.

You don’t hear any of them swear much or shout at people. They never talk down to any of the underlings. They invite their wives along to the studio. Not that I’m saying that especially ‘nice’ but it demonstrates a down-to-earth quality that is remarkable among young superstars.

They are still in their twenties and, at that point in time, the biggest, most successful music act on the planet. All the pretenders who have come and gone since have, at some point or another, allowed themselves to slip into the stereotypical behaviour of the rock monster. Overt displays of arrogant self-indulgence are almost a right of passage.

Fame can send people barmy: it can make them simultaneously insecure and egotistical. Staying nice when you are busy and even moderately successful can be a strain for mere mortals. You see it in showbiz all the time. If you get even the slightest hint that your success might be driven by actual talent then you can easily tell yourself that acting like a prick is sort of okay. It takes effort for most stars to be mindful about day-to-day courtesy, empathy and respect. But The Beatles - captured in Peter Jackson’s film with their guards down and at the most natural we are ever likely to see them - seemed to do it without any effort whatsoever. This, as much as the music, is what made them so extra-special.

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The Reset podcast with Danny Gray

Danny Gray is an entrepreneur and the brains behind male cosmetics brand War Paint (you might have seen him on Dragons Den raising loads of cash for the idea). He has struggled with body dysmorphia his whole life. Now he has launched a free online platform to help people with their mental health. What an inspirational bloke. Listen to our chat here.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/