I'm Shitting Myself

I've sunk into a bit of a hole lately. But I'm ready for the fight...

I’m not in a very good place.

Things had been going well lately. I was busy, I was having fun, everything at home was going well. And then darkness struck.

It wasn't entirely out of the blue. Some family stuff presented a bit of difficulty. It was not a crisis, just a challenge—the sort of thing I can usually handle, but not, it seems, at the moment.

I stumbled over the edge at the weekend. The normal background stress of life mutated into something that felt a bit scarier.

My mind started to race. Bad thoughts, worry and worse-case scenarios stubbornly circulated in my brain. I lost energy and lost my appetite. My body started to feel raw. It was sensitive to the touch and tingling as if trying to warn me of a threat. I kept waking up in the night.

This is all still happening now. It’s been about six days. I’ve got to that stage where I’m just worrying about worrying. My brain won’t shut the fuck up.

I’m doing all the things I advise others to do: I’m forcing myself to exercise, I’m reaching out to other people, I’m keeping up with my meditation, and I’m trying to clear my diary a bit so I can rest.

The first time I had a really bad episode of depression and anxiety was about fifteen years ago. Back then, it was much worse because it was such a shock. I couldn’t work out where the feelings were coming from and had no idea if they would ever end. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I was too ashamed. And I didn't have any other practical strategies to tackle the problem. I was flailing and terrified.

I have had three episodes of mental crisis in my life, which stretched on for several months. Naturally, my body and subconscious recall these episodes and tell me this one will be just as bad. Luckily, what’s left of the rational part of my brain is telling me that I am older and wiser and should be able to ride this wave of gloom in a few days. We’ll see.

I’m trying to comfort myself by remembering how much I have learnt about this stuff over the past ten years. I think I know where these feelings stem from. I am overwhelmed by a build-up of little stresses over a period of twelve months. None of them are disastrous in themselves, but their accumulation has started to take its toll. In life, it’s so often the ants that kill you, not the elephants.

I have let all this creep up on me. I stopped seeing my therapist earlier this year, mostly because I wanted to spend the money on an eight-week mindfulness course. The course has been beneficial, but it’s different from actual therapy. Over the past decade, my therapist has often been able to stage early interventions by spotting the fact that I was overdoing things or neglecting myself and advising me to take a step back before I buckled. Anyway, I've called her and booked a much-needed appointment for next week. Tomorrow I’m going to see the psychiatrist to talk about my meds. I’ll also go to a gym class and hopefully see my big brother for a chat, which always helps.

My cousin called me yesterday because he can sense when I am struggling just from the way I reply to his texts. Spending half an hour chatting with him was like medicine. I went for a walk with my mum on Tuesday. My wife, as always, is incredibly supportive. I’m lucky to have so much love in my life. I am taking it as easy as I can but also making sure I’ve got the right people and things around me, so I won’t want to slip any deeper into this.

I’m also taking time to do the little things that can bring a bit of joy: putting on a record, walking the dog, playing Mario Kart with my kids. My podcast, Top Flight Time Machine, allows me to talk amusing nonsense with my mate Andy every day, a welcome distraction from my otherwise negative mindset. None of these things are magic bullets but they are reminders that life is good.

The main difference between me now and me in my thirties, when I first experienced a mental health crisis, is that I know this will pass. It might not pass as quickly as I would like. There might be more bumps in the road to come. But the bleak thoughts I am thinking are not really real: they are the product of a strung-out mind I’ve not been looking after properly.

Why am I sharing all this? Because just sitting here and writing it down has helped me feel a bit better. Sketching the whole problem out makes it feel more manageable. Sharing it takes away a bit of shame. Like many blokes, I can’t shake the sense that I don’t have the right to feel this way. My life, after all, is a happy and privileged one. But the human brain is a tricky bastard and sometimes it starts to fill you with feelings of fear even if they aren't in the least bit rational.

Also, I am very aware of how powerful human connection can be. Talking to mates and family about their own experiences, realising that I’m not alone, being shown understanding, being reminded that this horrible experience is normal and deeply human: it’s massively helpful. So if you’re struggling with anything similar, I hope this helps you too.

I have never reported ‘live from the scene’ of my own woes. So here I am doing it: like a news reporter in a war zone, delivering a piece to camera while explosions go off in the background. Only I am lying on my bed in suburbia with my laptop propped on my thighs, sweaty and miserable amidst this oppressive heatwave.

It’s not a cry for help. I’m not worried about myself in any serious way. It sucks feeling like this. It’s been a few years since I last felt really bad. I had started to think I might never feel this way ever again, and all that shit was behind me. Maybe this is the universe alerting me to complacency. If so, thanks, universe. I probably needed this. That which does not kill me makes me an even harder bastard than I was already.

Come on you irons.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

https://www.thecalmzone.net

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/