I'm sorry that it's proving tough but happy that this letter has helped you understand that's the way it is for most of us. You're striving to be a good dad but that is really hard work and you are bound to feel the strain. Like I have said, don't feel bad for feeling bad - you have a right to. Just try and find constructive ways of coping - look after yourself.
I’m a father of a 2 year old boy and the paragraph you wrote about trying to be a good dad felt like you wrote my exact thoughts. It’s made me feel like a weight has lifted to know that others feel like this so thank you for writing this.
I will make sure to make time to rest and I look forward to your next post.
Johnny, I am chuffed you have responded this way. I hate to feel that there are people who feel guilty about being exhausted by fatherhood and work. I mean, why wouldn't you be knackered and strung out? Some dads just think 'fuck this' and disappear completely. The better way is too find a constructive way of coping which I'm sure you are.
Thank you for responding Sam, it means a lot. The feeling that my own problems are less than others is something I need to feel more comfortable in addressing more as I don’t want it drag me down. Pre-empting any negative spiral. I love my son more than anything in the world and would never want to get myself to a fuck this moment, so I fucking won’t! Thanks again and keep up the good fight
Great read and very reassuring. Hearing your stories and experiences through TFTM and through The Reset over the past couple of years has helped me no end and just wanted to say a massive thank you. Also Burnham Beeches is a hell of a place to reset the demons so thanks for that recommendation!
Microdosing helps to chill out,look around, feel like resting or doing one thing at a time instead of tearing around multi tasking/taxing the mind and body.
Big fan of the TFTM pod, it's really helped me get through a tough year mentally, just being able to stick it on, zone out and have a laugh has been much needed 👍
Your Reset emails are really timely as well - I have a close friend who is struggling with alcohol addiction gambling debt and the breakdown of his marriage and it looks like he won't be spending his daughters first Christmas with her. Those that know of his problems have tried, and failed, to help. I think he'd really benefit even just reading your weekly emails but I don't want to subscribe him anonymously and freak him out. Do you have any advice or guidance you can give for how we can get him to recognise he needs proper help, without pushing him away?
Thanks for the support. Sorry to hear about your mate. it's so hard when there is someone close to you going through this because it feels impossible to help them. The cliche is true, they can only sort themselves out when they decide they want to. All you can do is show sympathy and make it clear that help is there if they need it. People with addictions fear going back to their old life - where they had all the same problems but without their addiction to numb them. But sobriety (from gambling or drink or whatever else) is a completely different life that is happier and more fulfilling. You commit to learning how to cope with all the shit life throws at you in a positive and constructive way. And over time life gets so much better and easier to cope with than it ever was. But conveying this is difficult when someone is in the eye of the storm. Links to AA and GA are at the bottom of the main letter - and Gamblers Anonymous does incredible work too. Those are the groups to start with, they are proven to work and are great eye openers when you go and meet people who have had the same experiences. Be lucky, TTFN, dickhead.
Only good can come of your taking the time to share such vitally important, oft ignored life issues, that affect so many of us. As you state, Sam, we must begin with ourselves, in order that we can function optimally for others around us and within our lives. Its our being sure to regularly validate who we are that you, and The Reset help massively with, Sam. Thank you so much for the time and the love you invest in this great project, buddy.
Cheers Lindsay. Well put! If you want to be a good parent and partner you've got to take care of yourself. There's a lot of pressure on all of us to go at 100mph and say yes to everyone and everything. Setting boundaries is massively important - it's something I have worked on a lot this year and will be writing about in the future. The importance of saying 'no.'
Another great read, although the young dad bit doesn’t resonate with me personally. Early 30s/young kids = welcome & overdue break from being “on it”, enjoying being all-in new dad and doing my bit, loads of energy, life on the up. Mid 40s present; kids older and more self sufficient ergo I’m redundant and marginalised while worrying terribly about their future, feeling old and weary, hanging on in life and constantly battling the pull of the drink and, embarrassingly at my age, the drugs. I thought by now I’d have it sussed yet feel like going backwards. Anyway, keep on keeping on, tomorrow’s another day.
Cheers Richard. Interesting that you have found it works other way round. But I see it this way: in your 30's you were 'off it' and therefore life seemed easier and more positive. Now you're back 'on it' and things seem more of a struggle. That's the reverse of my experience. The only common facotr is that we both feel happier, more energetic and more optimistic about life when we are off the drink and drugs! Think on....!
Another top notch post there Samuel Brendan Delaney.
I love nothing more than playing stuff with my boys but it’s knackering.
I sometimes catch up to an hour after work, before school pick-up to employ the ‘just rest’ lifestyle - but I try and cram so much into it (a bit of TV, a bit of songwriting, getting in my steps to reach the daily 10,000 etc.), it often becomes more stressful than productive - think I need to take the ‘do nothing and empty your mind’ approach every once in a while but without the guilt of ‘oh bollocks, I could’ve been doing a job that now my wife will do before I get chance’ - Christ it’s not easy juggling work, family, hobbies and rest...
Cheers Mike. I hear you. Sometimes we all try to cram too much in - there is a wider conspiracy in today's society to convince us that we are not living a worthy or fulfilling life unless we are doing maximum work, hobbies, parenting etc. My life gets better the simpler it gets. It is nowhere near as simple as it should or could be but I am making progress. Skip the 10,000 daily steps routine - that is just another target/pressure you have invented for yourself. Plus it's just a marketing ploy by iPhone/fitbit etc. Get a run in at the weekend. Walk a longer route to work. Watch more TV. That's the thing that will help you tune your mind out.
Cheers Sam- for the last 3/4 months I’ve set an hour aside on a Sunday morning to do a 10k / it’s great thinking time - you’re right about the 10000 steps - it’s another addiction that can cause more stress than necessary
I luckily have never suffered from addiction or depression, but your emails, and the fact you are openly talking about your situation is both informative about men’s struggles and their takes on life’s challenges. Keep talking. TTFN D***head😀
Another great piece Sam, makes me feel better about myself just reading it and realising a lot of us go through similar experiences. Thanks for the book tip too, looking forward to reading it and learning to slow up a bit whilst accepting that feeling a bit shit isn’t abnormal or bad. Thanks again have a great weekend.
Nick
PS Beeping Timmy might be a new high for TFTM, I almost lost control of my bowels on my evening stroll.
The people who go round pretending they are A1 all the time are a bit...how shall I put this? Cuntish. They are lying to themselves and trying to low-key make other people feel shit about themselves. I used to be like that to be honest. it was a waste of time. Now, I'm happy to say I struggle with shit sometimes safe in the knowledge that I am still hard as nails. Despite the Beeping Timmy rep I have accidentally established down my street, I remain a West Ham terrace legend. TTFN.
Very interesting read. I’m a compulsive gambler and I’ve never been able to get my nut round it properly. I desperately need to work it out and with a new year approaching its given me another kick up t’arse to be active in recovery rather than passively hoping days evaporate away error free. Can go months with no gambling and then bang another relapse. Still keep trying new things every time and talking as best I can. Interested to know if the addictions came become the depression or the depression led to the addictions? I can’t seem to find any rhyme or reason between why I can be fine one day and then suddenly not fine. It can be very lonely when people close to you don’t understand the addiction... “just don’t gamble” or “just have 50p on an acca”... most often accompanied by a look that you must be daft in the head is the most common response. Keep up the good work. TFTM cheered me up on a lot of dark days.
Mate, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know specifically about gambling addiction but I do know about addiction and the loneliness you refer to. It is the same with drinking : 'Why don't you just stick to a couple of pints?' Really not helpful. Sharing with people who know what you're going through without judgement is the best way to work it out I think. Just as AA and CA has been helpful to me, Gamblers Anonymous has helped thousand of people. Apologies if you already know this and have tried it. But if you look at last week's letter I talk about making yourself accountable which I think applies to any sort of addiction. If it helps, going to those meetings is a lot more fun than you imagine. Everyone has amazing stories to tell. It's like a long episode of TFTM.
I was so angry when my kids were first born, I couldn't knock back work but I still wanted to be the dad I thought I should be even though I knew it wasn't possible. In the end I was on the verge of exploding most the time and drinking the rest and feeling guilty about not handling the situation like everyone else seemed to.
My youngest is three now and it was a long slog but I've realised everyone struggles and we need to be honest about it.
Keep up the good work here and TFTM, you're a good man Sam.
Cheers Jonesy. You're spot on mate. Everyone looks like they're coping but everyone is struggling. The ones with the bollocks to admit are the bigger men. You;re a good dad, I'm sure. Thanks for getting in touch.
Love this one. 👌
It’s beginning to get scary how much this echoes where I am.
I’ve been on anti-depressants for about 6 months (age 38). Our daughter is 4. The above completely describes how it’s gone for me.
Keep them coming, Sam. I really appreciate them and I know I’m not alone.
I'm sorry that it's proving tough but happy that this letter has helped you understand that's the way it is for most of us. You're striving to be a good dad but that is really hard work and you are bound to feel the strain. Like I have said, don't feel bad for feeling bad - you have a right to. Just try and find constructive ways of coping - look after yourself.
I’m a father of a 2 year old boy and the paragraph you wrote about trying to be a good dad felt like you wrote my exact thoughts. It’s made me feel like a weight has lifted to know that others feel like this so thank you for writing this.
I will make sure to make time to rest and I look forward to your next post.
Thank you and keep up the good work
Johnny, I am chuffed you have responded this way. I hate to feel that there are people who feel guilty about being exhausted by fatherhood and work. I mean, why wouldn't you be knackered and strung out? Some dads just think 'fuck this' and disappear completely. The better way is too find a constructive way of coping which I'm sure you are.
Thank you for responding Sam, it means a lot. The feeling that my own problems are less than others is something I need to feel more comfortable in addressing more as I don’t want it drag me down. Pre-empting any negative spiral. I love my son more than anything in the world and would never want to get myself to a fuck this moment, so I fucking won’t! Thanks again and keep up the good fight
Great read and very reassuring. Hearing your stories and experiences through TFTM and through The Reset over the past couple of years has helped me no end and just wanted to say a massive thank you. Also Burnham Beeches is a hell of a place to reset the demons so thanks for that recommendation!
Nice one Josh. I'm glad it helps. Did you discover Burnham Beeches via me? If so, I have never been prouder. Ana amazing place.
So good.
Microdosing helps to chill out,look around, feel like resting or doing one thing at a time instead of tearing around multi tasking/taxing the mind and body.
Fuck me, I could have written this
Big fan of the TFTM pod, it's really helped me get through a tough year mentally, just being able to stick it on, zone out and have a laugh has been much needed 👍
Your Reset emails are really timely as well - I have a close friend who is struggling with alcohol addiction gambling debt and the breakdown of his marriage and it looks like he won't be spending his daughters first Christmas with her. Those that know of his problems have tried, and failed, to help. I think he'd really benefit even just reading your weekly emails but I don't want to subscribe him anonymously and freak him out. Do you have any advice or guidance you can give for how we can get him to recognise he needs proper help, without pushing him away?
Thanks for the support. Sorry to hear about your mate. it's so hard when there is someone close to you going through this because it feels impossible to help them. The cliche is true, they can only sort themselves out when they decide they want to. All you can do is show sympathy and make it clear that help is there if they need it. People with addictions fear going back to their old life - where they had all the same problems but without their addiction to numb them. But sobriety (from gambling or drink or whatever else) is a completely different life that is happier and more fulfilling. You commit to learning how to cope with all the shit life throws at you in a positive and constructive way. And over time life gets so much better and easier to cope with than it ever was. But conveying this is difficult when someone is in the eye of the storm. Links to AA and GA are at the bottom of the main letter - and Gamblers Anonymous does incredible work too. Those are the groups to start with, they are proven to work and are great eye openers when you go and meet people who have had the same experiences. Be lucky, TTFN, dickhead.
Great stuff again Sam. Can’t imagine there’s anyone who hasn’t felt like this to some degree, even for a while. Keep it coming please
Cheers Nick, I'm sure you're right. There are some people who have messaged me saying they have never once felt miserable. Lucky them!
Only good can come of your taking the time to share such vitally important, oft ignored life issues, that affect so many of us. As you state, Sam, we must begin with ourselves, in order that we can function optimally for others around us and within our lives. Its our being sure to regularly validate who we are that you, and The Reset help massively with, Sam. Thank you so much for the time and the love you invest in this great project, buddy.
Cheers Lindsay. Well put! If you want to be a good parent and partner you've got to take care of yourself. There's a lot of pressure on all of us to go at 100mph and say yes to everyone and everything. Setting boundaries is massively important - it's something I have worked on a lot this year and will be writing about in the future. The importance of saying 'no.'
Resonates strongly. Sam, cheers for this.
My pleasure Gus, thanks for taking the time to read.
Another great read, although the young dad bit doesn’t resonate with me personally. Early 30s/young kids = welcome & overdue break from being “on it”, enjoying being all-in new dad and doing my bit, loads of energy, life on the up. Mid 40s present; kids older and more self sufficient ergo I’m redundant and marginalised while worrying terribly about their future, feeling old and weary, hanging on in life and constantly battling the pull of the drink and, embarrassingly at my age, the drugs. I thought by now I’d have it sussed yet feel like going backwards. Anyway, keep on keeping on, tomorrow’s another day.
Cheers Richard. Interesting that you have found it works other way round. But I see it this way: in your 30's you were 'off it' and therefore life seemed easier and more positive. Now you're back 'on it' and things seem more of a struggle. That's the reverse of my experience. The only common facotr is that we both feel happier, more energetic and more optimistic about life when we are off the drink and drugs! Think on....!
Another top notch post there Samuel Brendan Delaney.
I love nothing more than playing stuff with my boys but it’s knackering.
I sometimes catch up to an hour after work, before school pick-up to employ the ‘just rest’ lifestyle - but I try and cram so much into it (a bit of TV, a bit of songwriting, getting in my steps to reach the daily 10,000 etc.), it often becomes more stressful than productive - think I need to take the ‘do nothing and empty your mind’ approach every once in a while but without the guilt of ‘oh bollocks, I could’ve been doing a job that now my wife will do before I get chance’ - Christ it’s not easy juggling work, family, hobbies and rest...
Cheers Mike. I hear you. Sometimes we all try to cram too much in - there is a wider conspiracy in today's society to convince us that we are not living a worthy or fulfilling life unless we are doing maximum work, hobbies, parenting etc. My life gets better the simpler it gets. It is nowhere near as simple as it should or could be but I am making progress. Skip the 10,000 daily steps routine - that is just another target/pressure you have invented for yourself. Plus it's just a marketing ploy by iPhone/fitbit etc. Get a run in at the weekend. Walk a longer route to work. Watch more TV. That's the thing that will help you tune your mind out.
Cheers Sam- for the last 3/4 months I’ve set an hour aside on a Sunday morning to do a 10k / it’s great thinking time - you’re right about the 10000 steps - it’s another addiction that can cause more stress than necessary
I luckily have never suffered from addiction or depression, but your emails, and the fact you are openly talking about your situation is both informative about men’s struggles and their takes on life’s challenges. Keep talking. TTFN D***head😀
I really appreciate you saying that Gill. A lot of this is aimed at blokes but hopefully there are bits in there for everyone. TTFN.
While this is aimed at men, reading this may help women understand better the pressures you are facing and give us an insight into how we can help😀
Another great piece Sam, makes me feel better about myself just reading it and realising a lot of us go through similar experiences. Thanks for the book tip too, looking forward to reading it and learning to slow up a bit whilst accepting that feeling a bit shit isn’t abnormal or bad. Thanks again have a great weekend.
Nick
PS Beeping Timmy might be a new high for TFTM, I almost lost control of my bowels on my evening stroll.
The people who go round pretending they are A1 all the time are a bit...how shall I put this? Cuntish. They are lying to themselves and trying to low-key make other people feel shit about themselves. I used to be like that to be honest. it was a waste of time. Now, I'm happy to say I struggle with shit sometimes safe in the knowledge that I am still hard as nails. Despite the Beeping Timmy rep I have accidentally established down my street, I remain a West Ham terrace legend. TTFN.
Very interesting read. I’m a compulsive gambler and I’ve never been able to get my nut round it properly. I desperately need to work it out and with a new year approaching its given me another kick up t’arse to be active in recovery rather than passively hoping days evaporate away error free. Can go months with no gambling and then bang another relapse. Still keep trying new things every time and talking as best I can. Interested to know if the addictions came become the depression or the depression led to the addictions? I can’t seem to find any rhyme or reason between why I can be fine one day and then suddenly not fine. It can be very lonely when people close to you don’t understand the addiction... “just don’t gamble” or “just have 50p on an acca”... most often accompanied by a look that you must be daft in the head is the most common response. Keep up the good work. TFTM cheered me up on a lot of dark days.
Mate, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know specifically about gambling addiction but I do know about addiction and the loneliness you refer to. It is the same with drinking : 'Why don't you just stick to a couple of pints?' Really not helpful. Sharing with people who know what you're going through without judgement is the best way to work it out I think. Just as AA and CA has been helpful to me, Gamblers Anonymous has helped thousand of people. Apologies if you already know this and have tried it. But if you look at last week's letter I talk about making yourself accountable which I think applies to any sort of addiction. If it helps, going to those meetings is a lot more fun than you imagine. Everyone has amazing stories to tell. It's like a long episode of TFTM.
I was so angry when my kids were first born, I couldn't knock back work but I still wanted to be the dad I thought I should be even though I knew it wasn't possible. In the end I was on the verge of exploding most the time and drinking the rest and feeling guilty about not handling the situation like everyone else seemed to.
My youngest is three now and it was a long slog but I've realised everyone struggles and we need to be honest about it.
Keep up the good work here and TFTM, you're a good man Sam.
Cheers Jonesy. You're spot on mate. Everyone looks like they're coping but everyone is struggling. The ones with the bollocks to admit are the bigger men. You;re a good dad, I'm sure. Thanks for getting in touch.