Seven Years Sober

Getting sober was hard but staying sober is easy

Last Saturday marked the seven year anniversary of me getting sober. It’s an occasion I like to mark, but not one I celebrate. I don’t feel particularly proud about it. I still feel ashamed that I allowed my drinking and drug taking to get so out of hand . But, as I have written before, I am also strangely grateful because, through the experience of addiction and recovery, I discovered a new way of living that is so much more pleasant.

On Saturday I put up a shelf in our utility room. Then I went to football training with my son. In the evening, we had a takeaway and watched Kenobi on Disney Plus. Just my wife, my daughter, my son and I, all slumped together on the sofas, eating, laughing, taking the piss out of each other. I try not to overthink those moments but, on Saturday, I did take a breathe and reflect a little bit on how safe and relaxed and surrounded by love I felt. I didn’t feel proud. I felt lucky and grateful.

I put a picture of myself (above) on social media announcing that I was seven years sober. I talk publicly about it because I want people who are in the same situation that I was once in to see that there is a way out. I was a fucking mess back in 2015. I thought things had gone so far that I might drop dead. Losing my wife, my kids and my career had started to seem possible - maybe even probable. I had lost all faith in myself. I just didn’t think I would ever find a way out of the bad habits that had come to define my existence.

But I did. And now I’ve got a happy and calm life that is defined by love, not fear. I’m not sure I am capable of showing anyone the way out of their own private hell. All I can do is show them that I did it, so they can too.

I really enjoyed speaking to the addiction expert Chip Somers for this week’s podcast (see below). He said that sometimes addicts like us fall into glorifying the bad old days by sharing wild-sounding war stories of what it was like while we were using. I realised I do that sometimes. It feels like an easy way of reflecting on my old habits.

But it’s all bollocks. There was nothing cool or funny about my drinking and drug taking. Yes, when I was younger I had some good times. But I fooled myself into thinking that I had control. The problems crept up on me sneakily as I got older. There wasn’t a single trigger. Drinking and taking drugs had just become too normalised for me over the years, so eventually they were able to take control of my life without me even noticing.

When it got bad, in those last couple of years, it was boring and lonely and weird and depressing. It wasn’t like being a member of Fleetwood Mac in the 1970’s. I was on my own in the living room late at night, creeping around while my family slept upstairs. I was in the corner of the pub at lunchtime, downing whiskey chasers and endless pints between lines of coke in the stinking toilet. I was slipping vodka into my orange juice to hide my boozing from my wife. I was doing coke at work to prepare for meetings. It was an endless cycle of inebriation followed by hangovers followed by more inebriation to stave off the demons of misery and fear that followed me like vultures.

To be honest with you, I was just so fucking sad all the time. I felt trapped and unable to re-engage with the positive, happy, honest parts of my life because I’d allowed booze and drugs to drag me away from them. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I was ashamed of my bad habits so I kept them secret. I felt alone and isolated and too scared to open up and ask for help.

Nowadays, people read all this stuff I write on here and say things like: “I had no idea you had such a big problem.” That’s because I was working overtime to hide everything about myself. I was scared that I would be judged or rejected or condemned. The lying and dishonesty only increased the sense of shame and self-hatred which, in turn, increased my desire to numb my feelings with booze and drugs. It was a vicious circle. But when I eventually found the courage to tell the truth about what was happening to me, I was delighted to discover that people reacted with sympathy and love. The people who mattered, anyway. The others, I just had to distance myself from.

A few people congratulated me on my will-power last week. But the truth is that my sobriety requires no will power at all. I fucking hated every minute of being a pissed up coke head. There are no happy memories, just awful ones. The thought of having drink or drugs ever again is absolutely abhorrent to me.

Everything good in my life is based on a foundation of sobriety. I wouldn’t have my wife or my kids or a career that I love if I wasn’t sober. Staying this way is not a chore. It’s not hard work. It’s easy to be sober. What’s hard is being someone who can’t remember how to function without drugs and drink inside of them. The hardest thing I have to cope with nowadays is wrestling with the feelings of guilt and shame that still sometimes haunt me; reminders of the stupid habits I once let myself fall into. But I’m getting better at staving those thoughts off.

If you’re struggling, show yourself a little love. Try not to beat yourself up about your situation. Understand that you are in a bad place and you need a bit of kindness and love to navigate your way out of it. With any luck, you will get that from the people around you. But you can start by giving it to yourself.

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Four Sober Brothers

I went to see the Eagles at Hyde Park with my three older brothers on Sunday night. It was a beautiful evening, in more ways than one.

The music was great but, even better, it was incredible to be out laughing and joking with my three best mates, for the first time since the pandemic.

All four of us are now sober. My brother Dom was the first to quit drinking, a good seven years before I did. Cas knocked it all on the head last year, and now Theo has done the same.

We grew up drinking together. They showed me how it was done. Did we have good times on the piss? Not really. In the old days we would have ruined a night out at a gig by getting twatted and acting like arseholes. But we’re all better than that now.

We just had fun on Sunday night. I was so happy to see the three of them so happy and healthy. They still make me piss myself laughing. I am astonished that anyone thinks that sobriety is boring.

We get on so much better without drink inside of us. I love them all and am so proud of them. Best of all, my mum is over the fucking moon.

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Club Reset

Last week I launched a new podcast for paying subscribers. It’s called Club Reset and features me, my mate Dan and a rotating gang of interesting blokes chatting about mental health, addiction, recovery and all that jazz. It’s supposed to be a bit like group therapy but more of a laugh. Let’s see where it goes. I loved doing the first episode with Dan in my new garden shed. We’ll be releasing a new one every Friday so keep an eye out. And if you’re not yet a paying subscriber yet then take a look at what’s on offer here…

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The Reset Podcast Ep 59 - Chip Somers

The usual weekly podcast will reamain completely free and come out every Thursday. Last week my guest was the legendary therapist and addiction expert Chip Somers. He’s the bloke who helped get Russell Brand sober. He ran a clinic for twenty years that helped hundreds of addicts turn their lives around. Chip told me all about his own addictions, how he beat them and why he devoted his life to helping others do the same. A great listen, I think. I hope you enjoy it.

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Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times

https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123

@calm 0800 58 58 58

@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138

@CharitySane 0300 304 7000

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/