What I Tell Young People About Booze And Drugs
And why some of it is complete bollocks
My daughter is 13. Her mates plan to go up the park and celebrate the end of lockdown with some booze. She’s not really feeling the idea and told me about it. I was pleased she felt she could do so, to be honest. I told her that drinking at the park was never really the best idea and if she ever did want to drink with her mates I’d rather she did it at home.
“Maybe they could come round once the weather improves and enjoy some sensible alcohol consumption under controlled conditions with an adult present?” I speculated. She rolled her eyes. "‘Dad, the point is I don’t really want to drink alcohol at all.”
“Well excuse me for being such a cool dad,” I thought. “It’s not my fault you’re too much of a nerd to want to get battered in a dark and cold municipal play area with the other children.”
I didn’t really think that. Well, I did think the bit about being a cool dad. I can’t deny that my parental decisions (and all sorts of other ones too) are all too often guided by what I think sounds like the most impressive and counter-intuitive thing to say at the time. Rather than what’s actually for the best.
I remember being her age and having the same reluctance to get involved in some of my gang’s experimentations with rebellion.
Usually, I would ignore the voices telling me to be cautious and just go ahead with stuff because I didn’t want to seen as boring. I don’t regret it that much. I mean, nothing that bad came of it for any of us. Other than the subsequent 30 years of lost nights, incidents of mayhem and embarrassment, stupidity, illness, conflict, expense, broken relationships, shame and deep sadness. I’d say pretty much all of my adolescent friendship group have had dependency issues with drugs or alcohol over the years. And at least 90% of us have struggled with depression at some stage (yeah, you should come hang out with us some time, we’re a right barrel of laughs).
Of course, we might well have all hit a brick wall of stress and existential panic in middle age either way. At least we had fun getting off our faces together when we were younger, the hangovers weren’t as bad and we seemed to have an infinite supply of get out of jail free cards.
Some younger blokes ask me if it is wise for them to “get it out of their system” while they’re still able to live with relatively few responsibilities. As a former piss-head turned slightly weird sobriety evangelist, I try my best not to be too preachy (if I’m failing, fucking sue me). So I usually say ‘yeah, go for it, squeeze it all in now before you have to start getting up at 5am to change shitty nappies mate.’
But to be honest that’s just more of my bullshit.
It suggests that I still regard booze and drugs as desirable lifestyle choices - just ones I have had to forgo because I let them get out of hand. I don’t. I regard them as a waste of time. A large part of me wishes I’d never got into any of that stuff in the first place. Yes, I had some good times while off my nut. Dancing, partying, laughing, being stupid, doing and saying things I might not have had the balls to had I been sober. But in all of those happy memories drugs and alcohol merely played the role of facilitator. They gave me the courage and sense of abandon I required to create and relish those moments.
What I wish is that I’d had the bollocks to experience those moments naturally. To have danced and laughed and been stupid and all that other shit just because I wanted to do it, knew it was fun and didn’t really give a fuck what anyone else thought of me.
That’s what I’m like now. I am stupid all the time. I laugh all the time. I wouldn’t say I dance all the time - but I probably dance about as much as I ever did (roughly three to four times a week, mostly in the kitchen, if you’re wondering). Mind you, that’s not because I have reached a state of sober enlightenment. It’s just because I’m an embarrassing 45 year old dad who’s given up on the idea of dignity, to be honest.
The point is that booze and drugs weren’t ever the things that made my life fun.
They were just the things that fast-tracked me to experiencing that fun without the self-consciousness that sometimes held me back. But I am now a grown up so can do those things without stabilisers.
So should I bother explaining all of this stuff to my daughter? To encourage her to abstain and, instead, just build up the hutzpah to get high on life? Probably not. First of all because it will make her see me as even bigger dickhead than she does already. And secondly because, unfortunately, that sort of courage and bravado is hard to conjure out of nowhere. Especially when you are at an age where there are countless sources of insecurity and awkwardness already flying about inside your head.
What I hope is that she develops a wider worldview than the one I grew up with.
That she is able to see drink as something that’s a nice occasional treat - like a kebab or a spa weekend - rather than a lifestyle choice. That way, she won’t be asking me when she’s in her twenties if it’s important to continually get spannered after work in order ‘get it out of her system.’ Enjoying life is not something you need to get out of your system. But relying on booze and drugs to do so probably is.
And the next time a young adult asks me if they ‘need’ to live that fucked-up lifestyle while they still can, maybe I’ll just tell them what I’m really thinking: that they should learn how to act the silly cunt without eight pints and a gram inside of them. Now that’s the true measure of a man.
This week’s podcast with Luke Ambler
You might have noticed that I always share a link at the bottom of this newsletter for Andy’s Man Club. It’s a bloke-only support group that takes place at various locations around the country at 7pm every Monday. I’ve been to one and it was great. There’s no weird therapy chat or psychobabble. Just normal blokes sitting about talking about the normal stuff that’s troubling their brains. It was all started by former rugby-league pro Luke Ambler who’s mission is to cut the rate of male suicide in this country by getting us all to share our feelings more. Luke was a major inspiration for what I am trying to do with The Reset. I think he is brilliant - and I was delighted he joined me on this week’s podcast. Have a listen.
Some services, links and phone numbers to help you through the tough times
https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel 116 123
@calm 0800 58 58 58
@YoungMindsUK 0800 018 2138
@ChairtySane 0300 304 7000
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
Absolutely brilliant mate so well said I really would have said the same thing to my boy but now after reading that I probably won't and might just say wait till your 16 to do that or just don't do it at all because its not all that's it cracked up to be and u are just or even more able to have fun without all that shit. The consequences in the long run just ain't worth it. Trust me I know 🤦♂️
This is a tough one for me Sam. And part of the reason I am listening and reading so avidly. (Only part - the last year for me reads like the lyrics of a Country song. Expecting my crops to fail any day soon). For now I’ll focus on my Grandson, who died on July 18th, the morning after his 15th birthday, of a drug overdose. I can’t even write about it because there is an ongoing police investigation. We do know he and his friends celebrated his birthday by taking half a tab of MDMA; it’s a party drug after all! (Pocket money drugs they're called - £100 for 50 on the internet. £2 each. A pound a pop! And we do know he went off with the big boys to bring back more, but he never came back. He wasn’t even drinking, except water, that the big boys spiked. Then the took videos; tic tok, of his seizures.
If I could advise you on anything relating to your beautiful daughter it would be to educate her, in the same way you tell them not to stick their finger in a plug socket 'because you'll die’. If they test it out by putting their finger in a socket, then you’d at least done all you can to educate them. The choice, once they know the risks and dangers, is theirs alone to make.
The schools do a pretty good job of raising awareness on drugs/alcohol, but you could always Find a way in yourself. Yes she'll be mortified and embarrassed but she will listen while Darke’s she’s cringing. Unfortunately for young girls in particular there’s the added worry of spiking. It’s a sad truth that they never let their drinks out of their sight.
Kids feel safe with boundaries (self control is tricky in pubescents and adolescents so they look for adults/parents to set them for them. They feel safe, even when they’re pushing them.
Equip your daughter with knowledge and awareness. The rest is really up to her, as we all know. Good luck!